‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
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GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you
ME: Is it because I thought cleavage was a period in history where they fought with only axes?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.
ANGEL: *creates alligator*
ANGEL’S BROTHER: *creates crocodile*A: *creates dolphin*
AB: *creates porpoise*A: *creates llama*
AB: *creates alpaca*A: *creates ostrich*
AB: *creates emu*A: quit copying me
AB: qUiT cOpYiNg mEA: i’m telling god
AB: i’M TeLLiNg gOd
my diet starts tomorrow as it has every monday, and will continue to do so, indefinitely
Me refusing to admit that my favourite shirt is a bit too tight now
Biker gang: Well, well, well. Would you look at this fancy boy.
Me: Don’t push me.
Biker gang: Oh yeah? What are you gonna do about it?
Me: *removes bonnet* I said, don’t push me.
Apparently, “No kidding!” isn’t a good response when your boss says he’s confused.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Give Jesus a fish, and you and your family will eat nothing but that one fish for a lifetime.
whoa, you should really talk to someone about that!
— me, first day as a therapist
[Date arrives wearing a turtleneck]
Him: What should we do?
Me: May as well just go ahead and dump my body in the woods right now.
I always wondered if the distinct piss smell that Burger King is known for is authentic or if it’s just a spray they use.
pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates
Conjunctivitis implies the existence of projunctivitis.
I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.
ME: Do you believe in ghosts?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: A ghost just spent $600 on a new home surround sound system.
I’m not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there’s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.
I have a recording saved on my phone that it to be sent to my boss the day after I die. All I say is “So, you aren’t going to believe this but I’m going to be late.”
It’s weird how many people at my office are named “Hey.”
Alarms are for people without children or puppies
Sorry to bang on about this but the lack of references to penguins in the Bible is undermining my faith
I explained ‘gluten allergy’ to my grandma and she sighed and told me they ate leather belts during WWII to keep from starving
I know I’m not alone but my biggest pet peeve is when one of the residents in my home yells from the kitchen to no one in particular (me), “ARE THE DISHES IN THE DISHWASHER CLEAN OR DIRTY?”
Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!
Said No Man Ever
A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
Batman: Use this spotlight to call me.
Robin: What if it’s daytime?
Batman: *glares at Robin*
Gordon: Yeah, what if it-
Batman: *smoke bomb*
My pappy died in the sea. Not even his old chum could save him. In fact, that’s exactly what brought the sharks in the first place
Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.
Pasta aisle is cleaned out because that’s all most people know how to cook.
“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”
– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills
If you’re worried that you added too much cheese to the recipe I am here to reassure you that you did not