Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.
You Might Also Like
Two days ago: omg, I’m so glad I found my watch, I’ll never misplace it again!
Today: *has zero clue where the hell my watch is*
I’m good, thanks.
5 missed calls from my mom. Frantically called her back, expecting tragedy; nope, wallets are on sale at Kohl’s.
If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn’t be any good music.
#IHaveJustEnoughMoneyTo pay my phone bill so I can call my credit card company to tell them I don’t have money to pay them.
Guy who likes music
If the sun is blacking out at 1pm on a Monday than so am I
Art teacher: Take your seats, the model is ready
Me: *Disrobes and strikes a pose*
Model: Who the hell are you
Wife: What’s going on?
Me: Updog
Wife: Oh not that joke again
Me: Just say it!
Wife: Fine, what’s updog?
Dog: A movie about a guy with a floating house
Wife: Holy shit
I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.
It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used
Sensei: you have learned much, my child
Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate
“911, how may I help you?”
“Quickly, pretend like you’re my girlfriend”
“Sir, this is for emergen–”
“AAAAW I LOVE YOU TOO HONEY‘!”
Sorry I licked my fingers before shaking your hand when we met, but I had Cheetos dust on them and I didn’t want to seem gross.
The negotiation skills of my 6yo about how many more bites she has to eat make me want her on my side the next time I make an offer to buy a house.
Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ
Life is like a bear, play dead and it will leave you alone.
When you grab your toddlers blanket out of the dryer make sure to check that your panties aren’t stuck to it before your toddler goes into school. I know this now.
True love is knowing which parts of Bohemian Rhapsody are yours and which are theirs as you belt it out in the car.
*tapping DJ on the shoulder* YOU NEVER SAID WHAT TO DO WITH OUR HANDS IF WE DO CARE
ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.
I’m spirituality evolved, but I also want to slap people.
My toddler woke up, saw her shadow, and predicted 6 hours of anarchy.
who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?
Conservatives say the problem is Christianity ain’t taught in schools. The real problem is Christianity ain’t taught in church.
Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger
Pilot [over intercom]: This is your captain speaking, since you are here for 14 hours anyway, here is the first season of my podcast.
If 2 or more nachos are stuck together they count as one. Unfortunately the same rule does not apply to dishwasher pods. I know this now
What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?
No idea how I’ve managed to make it through life dealing with this constant affliction.
My family: Can you stop pointing at us when you say that.