Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring
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My hobby is misidentifying dinosaurs so my daughter can correct me
*Person in front of me using 73 coupons*
Customers behind me: huffing and puffing
Me: [eyes glued to screen] That one was for $2! Yahhhhss
Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.
I just reached in my purse for a pen and found a full 4 pack chicken nugget box from McDonalds.
So I get it, squirrels. I get it.
I’m pretty sure the Olympics are just making up countries now.
[talking to a frat bro]
Me: Dude you have such a strong axe scent.
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?
I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.
shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo
A 12 step program but it’s just me getting off the couch.
Odds I accidentally turn off a room’s lights when controlling house lights from my phone:
Any room my wife is not in – 1%
Any room my wife is in – 92%
I find it most unfair that the dentist in this neighborhood hands out toothbrushes for Halloween but the pharmacist doesn’t hand out drugs.
M: If someone calls you the wrong name is it rude to correct them?
Interviewer: I meant questions about the job, Kim.
M: Well, I’m Ursula.
“As CEO of Tortoise Enterprises, this merger with Slug Corp is… Linda, where is everyone?”
“They all called to say they’re running late”
I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.
I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.
Do Flat Earthers also believe the sun and moon are flat?
Like, is the entire solar system just a mismatched collection of space dinner plates?
I love greens, but not in a sexual way
Platonic salads, so to speak
Well, sure, if I was a 22 year old hottie I’d tweet sexy stuff, but I’m a 47 year old married woman with 5 kids. I tweet despair.
Oh, you’re an early riser?
Yes.
Have kids?
No.
A farm?
No.
Insomnia?
No.
Medical condition?
No.
Psycho.
What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?
“old Victorian houses are charming”
I AM WEARING THREE SWEATSHIRTS AND TWO PAIRS OF PJ PANTS UNDER TWO BLANKETS AND I AM STILL SO FRIGGEN COLD RIGHT NOW OK SO CHARMING CAN ***K RIGHT OFF
I think I’m finally ready to find a boyfriend!
*Looks behind drapes
*Checks under the bed
*Searches back of closetIt’s so hard to meet people these days
Your skull is only a centimeter thick and other reassurances.
Him: You have such a beautiful soul.
Me: It’s photoshopped.
Waiter: And how did you find the wine?
Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table
I saw a tweet that said they wanted their first child to be a mail and all I did was respond, ‘Keep us posted’ and got blocked
Wait, you actually took my advice?! You poor poor thing.
*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*
Me: want a piece?
Her: wrong, whole.
*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*