3: I know what’s keeping me awake
Me: What?
3: The air
Me: Oh good, I was worried it was something I wouldn’t be able to fix
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if you’re ever waiting on a venmo from me, it’s not because i don’t have the money it’s because i can’t think of something funny to write as the caption
birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here
Text: CMAO
Me: I think you mean LMAO, for “Laughing my ass off.”
That guy in 127 Hours who got his arm trapped under a boulder: No.
Does anybody want a cat? Free to a good or average home
tell em, edith-anne
Staying in shape is the worst idea, all you’ve done is advertise that you’re capable of helping people move
I’m not a 6. I’m two 3s in a trench coat.
Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.
E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.
I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
I think “Ur mom” is a sassy answer to any question.
Especially “Who gave birth to me” or “Who divorced my dad”.
Wife: I think the washer went out
Me: What time will it be back?
Wife: Please get my suitcase
I wish Gordon Ramsay would get one tattoo so I could take him seriously as a chef.
Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.
What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.
warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face
The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.
[on date]
HER: I once broke up with a guy for saying “I could care less”
ME: Haha that idiot [nervous] of course it’s “I could care fewer”
To see if my husband uses his shopping list, I used book titles instead food items. So we are either having Grapes or Wrath or bagel bites for dinner.
That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.
“If you started at 16 and work until you’re 23.
That would give you 10 years of experience.”
Back to school for you My friend!
Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.
I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, buddy- it’s what I’m here for.
8: Do shrimps have necks? Like, could I chop a shrimp in the neck if I had to?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.
Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when they’ve lost. That’s one of the reasons they’re idiots.
WAITERS: alright, what are we thinking for starters?
ME: well, charmander is usually my go-to but squirtle is good as well
Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.
“where am i bro?”
THIS IS SPARTA
“thanks. cute puppy bro”
THIS IS MUFFINS
Good news! I got the new restraining order today. So if anyone needs a stalker I’m available. I have mad stalking skills plus references.
“You run like you’re making fun of running.” -my brother