Nothing’s labeled clearly, I was promised tea & never got any, the criminal justice system is barbaric.
~ Alice’s Yelp review of Wonderland
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me: sorry, but 40 is NOT too old to date!
wife: this has nothing to do with your age
Where does the army of the dead get insanely long chains to pull a dragon? Is there a Walmart north of the wall? #GameOfThrones
[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean
I need a Waze app, but for my walks. Instead of “vehicle on shoulder ahead” it says “person on trail ahead” so I can detour to avoid any human interaction.
waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please
*leads horse to water*
“You’re not gonna drink, are you?”
*horse neighs*
“It’s The Fountain of Eternal Youth.”
Horse: You’re not foaling me.
Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
– dinner –
Kid 1: finishes in 18.4 seconds
Kid 2: finishes in 34.7 seconds
Kid 3: finishes in 5 hours 29 minutes
My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.
Tomorrow implies the existence of Frommorrow. And also Tomorcolumn. And Tomandrow! Man, these daiquiris are strong…
I was always taught that every girl’s dream was to marry a Prince but according to my girlfriend it’s actually owning a 1600 watt ionic diffusion Dyson hairdryer.
Welcome to your 50s where the weekend means it’s time to try a new vodka and a new chainsaw at the same time.
Me: [butchering a raw pork shoulder]
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: What?
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: Poke…poke the pork?
Child: Yes.
Me: WHY
Child: It looks squishy.
Me: It IS squishy.
Child:
Me:[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE YOU TWO POKING THE PORK
Emergency Vet: your cat seems fine
Me: she thinks I don’t feed her enough
CREATION OF THE WORLD DAY 1
ANGEL: I’m looking forward to watching this project evolve.
*awkward silence
GOD: We NEVER use that word here
Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry. Yes I remain sweet & quiet but on the inside I’m composing a strongly worded email
“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters
i like to start most sentences with “as a writer…” because it’s important to me that everyone know i am, at my core, a liar
When I left for work this morning, the dog begged me to stay and the cat handed me my keys.
‘I want to gossip but professionally.’
– news anchors
My son gave me the ultimate Mother’s Day gift: he just brought out all of the cups & dishes from his room & filled the kitchen sink.
I’m so blessed.
Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.
I brought a load of laundry into the living room to fold, and my husband said, “You do this every day. I’m onto you. You just want to take a break.” So, anyway, in lieu of flowers please make a donation to the charity of your choice.
People just like to argue.
People: No we don’t
Gun control sounds like a dangerous but exciting way to change the channel
Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care
Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that
Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.
God: remember when I went to the bathroom and left you alone in my office?
Lion: yes.
God: did you uh do anything while I was gone?
Lion: no why?
[Mountain Lion, Sea Lion and Lionfish peek around the corner]
God: I guess I’ll delete them then.
Lion: ThEY aRe My cHiLdREn!
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
all the apology videos are terrible because the people capable of writing a good apology are on strike.