“please feel free to ignore this email” way ahead of you buddy
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murdering your brother and then responding “i don’t know. am i my brother’s keeper?” when god, creator of the universe, asks where your brother is because He lost track of one of the four people on earth is just. wow, they don’t make characters like that anymore.
I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.
Ariel was a minor and couldn’t sign a legally binding contract. You’d think the king of the ocean’s lawyers could get that shit thrown out.
[doing crunches]
Me: get it? ab solution?
Priest: so excommunicated
instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club
Born to Do Math
#GeekySongsAndShows
OTHER KIDS IN RESTAURANT: Restlessly coloring on a placemat waiting for food.
MY KIDS: Have already flipped over a booth & set it on fire.
Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.
Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..
Must be a communist plot.
[church]
1-year-old: *throws a tantrum*
Me: This is the worst place for a meltdown.
Wife: Nuclear power plants?
Me: Second worst place.
Apparently everyone was too high in the 70’s when Grease came out to notice that every “student” at Rydell High looked like they were 35
There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.
*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.
Nephew has been doing a bit where when he gets on elevators with adults, in an attempt to fit in he’ll say “I didn’t get the promotion”
“THE YOGURT HAD MY GOD DAMN NAME ON IT, NANCY.”
Me: I’m in such a happy mood right now!
Female reproductive system: Hold my beer
Donkey I Shreked the Kids
Just Jedi mind tricked my BF into buying me a new phone. Well not really, I had to moan during sex and promised to be nice to his mom.
If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.
Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked
gonna make a bumper sticker for my car that says “MY KID IS SMARTER THAN YOU’RE KID” just to troll the grammar nazis behind me
I once dated a woman that said I used to much garlic and I got rid of that vampire right quick
The X-Files will have 3 back to back episodes that are dead serious about elaborate conspiracies where anyone can be killed for knowing too much, and then the very next episode will be like “Scully there’s a dude I wanna check out who thinks he’s a goat”
Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.
I had sex twice in 24hours and I’m so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to
My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail
Don’t pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.
ME: Remember Lake Geneva?
WIFE: Please, not this again.
ME: Those were good TINES.
WIFE: Will this ever get old?
ME: Not a FORKING chance.
WIFE: It’s annoying and stupid.
ME: Those are valid POINTS.
WIFE: Enough.
ME: Can’t HANDLE it?
WIFE: I mean it.
ME: Do my jokes make UTENSIL?
we all have skills – but like, ones you can’t talk about right? like I am really good at wringing out a cloth the perfect amount so it doesn’t drip but it’s still juicy
*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right