Me: [pitching an idea for a comic book] Imagine a superhero whose parents are–get this–alive and well.
Exec: *under breath* whoa
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[my wife to everyone at the pool party] pls don’t tell him, he’s never known the truth
[me loudly as I jump off the diving board] CABIN BALL
Lucky for them, they’re cute
I saw jimmy fallon meeting with crab people from outer space. he was giving away our military secrets and laughing at everything they clacked at him with their claws and just generally acting like a piece of shit. you could tell even the crab people were getting uncomfortable
me: so I just check out women all day?
grocery store manager: please stop saying it like that
Realtors are legally required to tell you if the house ghosts are too judgy
I used to think LOL meant lots of love.
Oh! You’re Aunt died? So sorry. LOL!Took me years to rebuild friendships.
Little Orphan Annie’s song “The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow” is a little insensitive to the population of Norway.
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.
Felony is a beautiful name for a girl
CUSTOMER: why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you?
SHOP ASSISTANT: that’s the supervisor.
Until zoom life I had no idea how many people dig in their ear.
A librarian with a sense of humour…
#Oscars
🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶
I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture
“Once COVID is over” is starting to sound a lot like some “Lemme borrow five bucks I’ll pay you back I swear” bullshit.
motivation
[first day in prison]
Cellmate: that’s Flesh Eater Mike
Me: why do they call him that?
Cellmate, quietly as Flesh Eater Mike walks by with blood dripping down his chin: it’s short for Michael
[The Last Airbender, nervous on a date]
*breaks wind*
Ope, excuse me. I’m a little out of my element here.
Me : Here, I made you a ‘Best Hits of 2017’ CD.
Wife : This is an unopened blank CD-R.
Me : Correct.
It was a smart phone until I downloaded Twitter
boy: i hate being poor
grandpa: were going to fun factory
mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time
You say “Are you ok?” but I know you really mean “Stop coughing.”
Studies show that 100% of all parents think alcohol tastes much better after spending the day with children.
Ruin your teenagers day by looking in their general direction.
It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.
[Talking w/Doc]
The wife wants to try period sex
“Seems unsanitary to me”
I dont think u understand-
*wife bursts in wearing medieval armor*
Me: These books are half price.
Wife: Yeah.
Me: So I can save money.
Wife: Uh huh.
Me: By buying ten times as many.
Wife: NO.
Ever since Crystal signed my yearbook in 4th grade, all of my summers have been rad and I haven’t changed, just like she asked.
me: I Love You!!
oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.