If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that if I see a cute animal I should force my cat to fight it until it’s weak enough to enslave.
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I asked a barista why they were wearing a surgical mask.
they answered: It’s not a surgical mask, it’s a coughy filter
I love my kids and wouldn’t trade them for anything…
[both kids wake up sneezing]
…more than a giant bottle of hand sanitizer right about now.
[in bed]
Me: got a costume from the Princess Leia slave scene
Him: omg yes
Me: *disappears to change*
*comes back dressed as Jabba the Hutt*
something magical should happen if you eat enough saltwater taffy. maybe a mermaid drags you into the ocean
Me: There’s a fly in my soup.
Waiter: I’m so sorry, sir. I’ll sort this.
*puts a spider in the soup*
Waiter: Hopefully this won’t take too long.
but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time
me: [nervously] how often do these things crash
flight attendant: just once usually
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”
Ok, so maybe the best time to break the news about how many years of school there are was NOT after a rough day at kindergarten.
FINANCIAL TIP: Invest in any store where you see my wife buying shoes.
Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge
The outskirts implies the existence of the inpants.
What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback
I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.
My wife said the infinity scarf I got her is too small and I said: “That’s mathematically impossible.”
Anyhoo, we’re divorced now.
A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?
*logs on Facebook
IT’S YOUR OLD HIGH SCHOOL BULLY’S BIRTHDAY TODAY!
*logs off
WAIT COME BACK!
YOU HAVEN’T HEARD ABOUT YOUR EX’S ENGAGEMENT!
I introduced my 2yo to Cheerios and now I have to carry a little baggie around wherever we go in case he needs his next fix
When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.
I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.
“The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”
– inept cardiovascular surgeons who end up going into gastroenterology
[first date]
Her: Dating is so hard now. There are so many weirdos out there, right?
Me: *loud prolonged dolphin screeching sound*
My husband sent me a text that said…I love you, but have something gross to tell you. I can tell it’s going to be terribly romantic.
I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.
[Career Day]
Me: Money doesn’t buy happiness. However, it does buy tacos which make me happy. In conclusion, money does buy happiness.
Kids: *raise hands*
Me: I won’t be taking any questions.
boss : you’re gonna do the color commentary tonight ok
[later]
announcer: here goes jackson rounding 3rd
me: and those pants are as mustard yellow as it gets folks
Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”
“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”
-Superman