Revenge sounds so mean-spirited and hurtful. I prefer to think of it as returning the favor.
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Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything in the house
– cook 3-19 hours on low
My daughter told us that she learned the life cycle of a frog, and when asked to recite it, she said, “eggs, tadpole, frog, prince, ex-husband.”
ME: *kisses my own forehead* good night
TEAM OF DOCTORS: *furiously scribbling notes* but how
advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them
Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with “Ah, I guess you had to be there.”
The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.
Me, noticing that no one responded to my email yet: “Wow, rude.”
Me, noticing that I have an email in the “Scheduled” queue in Gmail: “Oh.”
whats wrong?
“the bills”
we need to cut costs
“any suggestions”
at least 3
[my backup singers] 🎶I think she’s talking abou-
“not now ladies”
every single thing you’ve ever done and all the decisions you’ve made in life have led to the point where you are reading a tweet that ends in the word chudnugget
At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die
Me: I made this belt out of herbs
Her: why?
Me: oh, just waisting some thyme
You all think your dad’s cargo shorts are lame until you need to smuggle some Reese’s Pieces into the movie theater.
I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”
Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*
I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH’S LIKE 3 DAYS
[walking down the canned meat aisle at the grocery store]
my phone: spam risk
In an alternate universe, an alligator is wearing a shirt with a tiny picture of me sewn on it.
Burgers, she wrote.
– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.
I don’t understand the expression “on the lamb.” If you’re running away, wouldn’t you choose a faster mount?
I bought three dozen eggs at the grocery store and an American Express black card just showed up at my house
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.
when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:
therapist: what’s on your mind
me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with
Hold the door for your girlfriend. Listen to the door. Tell the door everything will be okay. Leave your girlfriend for the door.
Don’t tell your friend you like her sweater unless you mean it; she might knit you one.
If you carry a clipboard, put a pen behind your ear, wear a stopwatch around your neck, and, depending on where you are, wear either a lab coat or a reflective safety vest you can pretty much walk right in anywhere you like.