I feel attacked.
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[1st night of a boyfriend sleeping over]
Me: I sleep with a sound machine, that ok?
Him: ya that’s fine!
*I reach over & hit a button. The part in Hey Ya where he repeats “alright alright alright alright” starts to play on a loop*
Me *snuggles covers up to chin*: night babe
Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”
Me: “To see if I can read minds?”
Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.
Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.
I don’t usually spank the kids while we’re in Walmart but yours were just asking for it.
me: can we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: may
me: sorry, may we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: no i mean the month
Denied candy because I “didn’t wear red”. Kicked out of the office because I “didn’t wear pants”. I’m tired of these Valentine’s Day rules.
Apparently my kid got in trouble today for PACKING OUR TOASTER IN HIS BACKPACK and pulling it out at lunch to make pop tarts for his class. I can’t stop laughing.
Vegetables: “We need to be stored in special conditions with ideal humidity and temperature.”
Potatoes:
If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific
It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.
beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”
It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.
Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”
Airport Announcer: Please report any unattended items to TSA
Me: *sees random 3-year-old running around*
Me: *slowly reaches for phone*
Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.
Boomer neighbors on NextDoor: “Kids never go outside and play anymore! The parks and alleys are empty!”
Boomer neighbors IRL: “How dare neighborhood children play a game of basketball outside on a summer evening at a nice normal volume! Go inside!”
If your dress suddenly turns into rags at midnight while you’re being driven home by a bunch of mice on a pumpkin, you’re not Cinderella, you’re drunk.
*updates tinder bio*
(On a date at Whole Foods) “Isn’t this place great?”
Cashier: “Sir, please stop standing on the dates.”
“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”
-Oysters
How to kiss:
1-open your mouth
2-wider
3-wider
4-unhinge jaw
5-summon the Dark Overlord
Great British Bake Off but you pair every contestant with a 3-year-old who really wants to help.
[me as a DJ]
Where my single ladies at?
*drunk responses*
This one’s for you
*turns off music, serious tone*
This is a bad place to meet men
who called it a motorhome and not a casa roll
Told my mom I was frustrated with my kid and she reminded me when I was two I flushed an entire box of tampons down the toilet in the Chicago winter and froze the pipes and honestly why is she making this about her?
Found a $20 in the laundry I’ve been looking for all week. Just gonna go back to bed now and quit while I’m ahead.
back in ancient times they had to come up with gods to explain environmental phenomena, such as lightning, which was said to be from lightning bolts thrown by zeus. now that we have modern science, we know that lightning comes from pikachus
*4yo son, crying*
I’m sorry! How was I supposed to know I wasn’t supposed to cook the macaroni necklace?
*sigh*
Parenting is hard.
I’ll be so happy when 2020 is over in a few years