virus: humans are only worried about aliens destroying the world. they totally underestimate us😤
coronavirus: i got this
[later]
virus: so did you make them fear and respect us?
coronavirus: no they had a trip to disneyland they didn’t wanna cancel
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I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.
{during sex}
Her: Make me scream
Me: *turns on lights
Vegan pizza…. is basically
just the box.
Today’s PSA:
No one can “get your goat” if you don’t let your goat get got.-You’re welcome
Hey everybody, I just finished the 30 day yoga challenge and it was easier than I expected. In fact, I bet I could go another 30 days without doing yoga.
Him: I need to see license, registration and proof of insurance.
Me reaching for purse: again?? Speed dating at a cop convention sucks.
[mugger trying to snatch Elsa’s purse]
Elsa: HEY LET IT GO!
Mugger: OMG sing the rest
Parenting tip: Unplug the microwave before dropping acid because you’ll inevitably put the baby in there for safe keeping.
I love how Men’s bathing suits sometimes have that tiny pocket where you can hold two quarters, just in case you’re paying to get on the Ferris Wheel in 1922
The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.
Cop: This spot is for frog parking only
Me: Oh yeah. What are you gonna do about it?
*gets toad*
Dec 24: Christmas Eve
Dec 25: Christmas Day
Dec 26: Boxing Day
Dec 27-30: Every day feels like a Sunday, proof that time is a social construct
Dec 31: New Year’s Eve
Jan 1: New Year’s Day
Jan 2: Reality hits
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
Lionel Richie: hello.
Adele: it’s me.
Lionel Richie: is it me you’re looking for?
Adele: I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet?
Lionel Richie: holy shit *covers phone* now what the hell do I say?
My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
Daughter: Daddy, I can’t sleep.
Me: *gets warm milk* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *reads a book* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *starts to sing*
D: *fake sleeps so I’ll stop*
Me: Man, I should have started with that.
I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?
Over 7,000 people have reviewed celery
Dear Diary,
I fear for my sanity. Just today I started talking to a blank book.
I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.
[restaurant]
date: you wanna split the bill?
me: don’t be silly!
date: oh wow thank you
me: for what?
This country is bonkers. Toilet paper: gone. Bottled water: sold out. And yet nobody else thought to stock up on the single most important thing. Good luck now suckers! Ya snooze ya lose
Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant – you can only hide it for so long.
I just cross-bred a crocodile and a homing pigeon. I expect that’ll come back to bite me.
Awesome parenting 😂
bro think about being homies w Joaquin Phoenix in “her”. trying to console him over his broken heart but at the same wanting to be like “dude she is a phone”
{at sports arena}
*kiss cam pans to me just as I take a huge bite of a hotdog
Me: *panics and seductively licks mustard off my lips.
It’s fun to chant “Bloody Mary” three times into your car’s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up