satan: not today, microsoft teams
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Having a personal trainer at the gym is like having that bully in school. They still terrorize you, but now they make you do pistol squats before taking your lunch money.
Me [trying to get respect from my family after eating 12 hotdogs] how many more hotdogs do I need to eat before you respect me?
Mom: we just want you to get a job. Give me the *sound of a struggle* hotdogs
The only equipped I am is ill.
I have concluded that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all the missing socks.
who else gets a little disappointed when the emergency broadcast test isn’t an actual emergency? it’s like, hurry up already aliens
If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this
[Obama giving Trump the White House tour]
O: and here’s the toaster, it tends to stick so don’t be afraid to jam a fork in to get it workin
5: *comes in room* hey old lady
Me: *looks around*
5: *looks me in the eye* hey old lady
Me: *packages him up in Amazon box and puts outside for collection*
Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.
Best translation fail. The arabic spells out a transliteration of ‘meat ball’ in English – which sounds like ‘mayit baul’, or Dead Paul.
Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer
H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.
M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.
we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee
Just checked FaceBook.. Apparently there are only 4 more days till the weekend.. I’ll keep you posted if anything changes guys
If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts
“Hear me out. I know the cookies are a solid fundraiser, but picture this… mobile margarita truck!”
– and that was the last time I was on the planning committee for the local Girl Scouts.
A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!
Bad Coroner: This guy you brought in a few days ago, I think I know how he died. The last thing he ate was spaghetti with bullets in it.
I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.
[pediatricians office]
8, after the flu vaccine: Daddy, now I can tell my whole class I got shot!
Me: Please don’t say it like that.
I’ll be the first to admit when I’m wrong, I mean, I’ll be kicking and screaming the whole time, but I’ll do it.
“You like mayonnaise? Prove it.” – Costco
I once started a “Think for yourself” cult and nobody came back after the first meeting.
[wife leaving for the weekend]
“Baby formula is in the cupbo–”
“I think I know how to make a baby. Now go & enjoy your dad’s funeral.”
“Traaains”
– traveling zombies
Me: Have a taste of your own medicine
*I force the pills the Dr. prescribed for me down his throat*
Me: WHO HAS ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION NOW?!
[coffee shop]
BARISTA: may i help you?
GUY WHO DEFINITELY LOOKS LIKE A SWARM OF BUTTERLIES IN A TRENCH COAT: you’re out of sugar water
muhammad ali: float like a butterfly
jellyfish: done
muhammad ali: sting like a bee
jellyfish: i am nailing this
I put “extremely organized” on my résumé and I don’t even remember what folder I saved it in..