This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.
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Me: what make of dog is that?
Her: breed
Me [hands on knees]: I am, I’m just out of breath cos I ran over to ask what make of dog that is
Me: I thought you said you were taking these boxes to the garage
My Husband: Yeah, at some point
Our 7 YO, from the other room: That means she wants you to do it now!
When someone asks why you don’t have kids just say “dingoes”
“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”
~Me passing out candy on Halloween
My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.
on paper i am not against my neighbour playing piano all the time but it would be very nice if they played anything other than the pirates of the caribbean theme
Ice cream man: in a cup or in a cone
Me: cone please. I find the cups upset my stomach.
*puts one hand on hip, sips tea, stares out of the window at the rain*
“This is just ridiculous”
What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?
I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.
People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.
I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?
Select the reason for canceling your order:
◽️Item(s) would not arrive on time
◽️Need to change shipping address
☑️ I was drunk
HIM: And a trillion dollars.
GENIE: Alright, cool, that’s your last wish.
HIM: Haha, thanks! Too bad wishing for infinite wishes isn’t allowed.
GENIE: Why wouldn’t that be allowed?
HIM: It’s… it’s one of the rules.
GENIE: I’ve literally never heard that.
These Brit awards outfits are getting stupid now.
In the beginning, people laughed at my penguin army. No one’s laughing now. I’m receiving treatment and everyone’s been really supportive.
I just drank an entire bottle of wine and feel the urge to help someone with math homework and declare that laundry piles are now furniture.
-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)
Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.
[first date]
Her: The menu is in French.
Me: Allow me to order for you.
Her: Sure.
Me: Mÿ dâtę wòûld líkê thé chėésëbûrgęr, plæsê.
I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.
If I was the editor of Vogue, I’d just put an actual skeleton on the cover with the headline, “Feel bad yet? You should, Fatty.”
#merica
[Lying on the grass, staring at the full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
[on date]
Here, let me help you with your jacket!
*i gently remove her jacket*
This is mine now. Cya
Me, writing: I must get the description of this wrought-iron fence that I remember from my childhood exactly right, down to the bumps and bubbles in the many coats of paint., no matter how long it takes.
Me, editing: *deletes three pages of description; inserts “a fence”*
Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.
Can someone Venmo me $74,000?
I’ll take you camping.
OKAY DAD
I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.
[hanging out in my basement]
Wife: You know, this room could really use more natural light.
Me: Help yourself. There’s plenty in the fridge.