Exercise makes you look better naked. But so does whiskey, it’s your choice.
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A brightly-colored van drives slowly down our street. Kids gather excitedly. It is the Edible Arrangements truck. We are all betrayed.
Last time I went to confession, the priest made me pause so he could open the urban dictionary on his phone.
Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.
Husband: *singing pop song*
Tween: Mom, do something.
Me: *starts dancing*
My wife handed me a clean towel and asked me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
Fun prank: replace all your phones with rotary phones and your wifi with a dial-up, then watch your kids move out.
one thing you forget about star wars is how much of the original trilogy is just darth vader flying in some place to chew some guy out about construction delays
This Halloween, I’m going as the one thing more unsettling than a serial killer: someone interested in serial killers
*Riding around with my Abraham Lincoln clone*
Lincoln: *spots a “Children At Play” sign* WE HAVE TO SAVE THEM
Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”
Don’t let the British accent fool you. I’m not saying anything smart
Give a man a baby, and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to baby, and i think this saying only works for fish actually.
Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich
I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.
Make it RAAAAIN!!
ICE CREAM GUY: Ma’am, everyone gets the same amount of rainbow sprinkles.
The news
first my neighbor liked my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
best lyric of all time is when elton John was like “if I was a sculptor, but then again no” like pls I’m on the edge of my seat .. what were you going to do as a sculptor Elton!?!!!
Saying no thanks to a CW’s offer to hit me with their car so I could take the day off proves decisions shouldn’t be made before coffee
Roses are red,
except for all of the other colors of roses that have been in existence for thousands of years. Those are different colors.
I just ate my yogurt with a fork, because I’ve learned that if it looks like you have your shit together, people ask you to do stuff.
Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
lobster: [snapping claws menacingly] FEEL MY WRATH, HUMAN
me: [holding 2 rubber bands]
lobster: ah shit
someone mentioned that the divorce rate is around 50% which is terrifying, cause the idea that I still have a 50% chance of being stuck with the same person forever scares the shit out of me
Apple has solved laptop theft by making them obsolete by the time thieves get out the door.
I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.
Ordered a pizza. Delivery guy and I talked for 45 minutes about swords and he got fired. Now he lives here, we’re gonna fight crime together
My 7yo asked her brother for a hug and it was the sweetest sibling moment, then off to school he went with a slap me sign on his back