Other parents don’t want to be friends with us once they find out our child folds his own laundry and doesn’t need braces.
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I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.
I beg your pardon?
Didn’t realize how much I drank over the holiday. The Urgent Care doc wants to put my liver in a walking cast.
Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.
My HOA says no parking on the street, so I flex on them by parallel parking at the end of my driveway.
[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter
God: this animal is called a woodchuck
Angel: because it can ch-
God: lmao no
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: I bet it was to compliment my excellent driving. You’re so sweet to give me positive reinforcement. Bye now. *drives off*
AC changed “dies slow death” to “does slow death” and that actually feels more on point
I guess I’m getting old. Now when I hear “Pour Some Sugar On Me” I think of 2 things. Who’s cleaning it up and I hope we don’t get ants.
When someone asks you “what is it that you like about me?”
“You’re gluten-free” isn’t the answer they want to hear.
I’m still drunk with power after a Jehovah’s Witness asked, “‘Can I ask you one question?” & I said, “I think you just did,” + kept walking.
Cats don’t tell police where your drugs are.
I have no idea who these famous people are. We need to go back to three channels.
No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.
NO SCREENS FOR THE WHOLE WEEKEND just fell out of my mouth and if divorce were a facial expression my husband just asked me for one
I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.
I’m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.
Can’t. About to go please some beans
My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.
Once I spilled an ENTIRE cup of coffee in a cab and the driver started freaking out, but miraculously, it all landed in a cup holder, and I soaked it up with a sock. When we arrived, the cab driver got out to see zero spilled coffee in his cab and looked at me like a magician.
America: Japanese ads are extremely weird
Also America: *airs commercials about toilet paper obsessed bears that are constantly shitting*
Please pray for my 5yo who demanded I get him a glass of water because he’s “too thirsty to walk to the kitchen”.
My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.
I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.
it is 1424. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 1724. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 2024. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
Me, looking at Met Gala outfits: But how do they go to the bathroom in that?
The princess and the pea
But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus
Started out with a kiss how did it end up like this?
CDC: I thought we were pretty clear.
Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.