I’d rather be an outlaw than an in-law.
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[sees my dentist in the store]
*really loud fake phone call voice*
me: ya I’m just picking up some floss cause I ran out probably because I floss every day idk
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
Me: I love this weather! I just want to open all the doors and windows and let the crisp morning air flow.
Her: I agree but can we land first?
Why do people say they tried calling me? No, you did, in fact, succeed in calling. I just didn’t answer.
mortgage broker: You’ll need proof of stable income.
me: no problem
broker: Where are you currently employed?
me: Spirit Halloween
6yo has two pregnant Barbies and one Ken doll. You could cut the tension in the Barbie camper with a tiny stiletto.
It took me a good two minutes of trying to figure out why I put the freezer food in the cupboard, before I remembered that I have kids who wanted to help put the groceries away
Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.
My dad just said I should put our dog on “this site– have you been to it?” I went over to the computer. He had written “pomeranians” into Google image search
me: we need to go to the ATM machine
thomas: lol ATM machine. isnt that a bit redundant you idiot
me (thinking about my Automatic Thomas Murdering machine): this is why we need to go to the ATM machine
Shopkeeper:This is made of pure virgin wool sir.
Me:You see I m not interested in the morals of the sheep.Just tell me,will it keep me warm?
[at a party] i see u have name brand garbage bags, are u a doctor
me: can u say da da
baby: ba
me: dada
baby: baba
me: dada
baby: are u really this desperate for validation
me:
baby: ok dada
I quit enjoying makeup sex when I realized he looked better in mascara and blush than I do.
me: i’m so excited for fall!
also me: where the hell did the sun go?
[space mission studying behaviour of snakes on the moon]
astronaut: “we should’ve taken our own”
astronaut holding net: “just keep looking”
*pronounces surface like Versace*
11: Look mom, I attached my iPad to my bicycle handles with elastic bands. Isn’t it great?! So now when I ride I can watch something!
*pauses, I can see she’s thinking*
Actually maybe I won’t do this because it sounds like a good way to die?
When I dropped your baby, that was traumatic for me too. Maybe think about my feelings for once.
I just sneezed with a cat on my lap and I’m going to need someone to send help I’m losing a lot of blood.
You’re not meeting me at my best, my best was like 10 minutes 16 years ago
classic mixup
I identify with this toooooo much. 😂😂😂😂😂
Married girls are so lucky. They can post anything they want on here because they already tricked some dumb guy into marrying them.
Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.
Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.
I sprung into action when a coworker was choking during lunch. I moved him into the next room, so I could eat in peace and quiet
I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..
[ordering cake over phone]
“and what would you like the cake to say?”
[covers phone to ask wife]
“do we want a talking cake?”
I hate that feeling after surgery when you’re not sure if you’re awake or asleep or if you operated on the right patient.