I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.
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A girl who can wear a baseball hat is hot. Unless it’s a team I hate. In that case, she’s probably a whore.
Some say cheetahs are the fastest animal at 60 mph. Not true. Dogs have been clocked at 18,000 mph when the Soviets launched one into space.
Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
If money can’t buy you happiness then you’re in the wrong mall.
*rushes in*
“Sorry I didn’t see the email”
*slow smile*
*twirls hair*[Teaching office new girl how to be late for meetings]
Did a collab with the legend @shenanigansen
when I was 8 i stayed for dinner at a friend’s house and at dinner his Mom asked how everyone’s day was and his Dad said ‘A corpse exploded in the van again, got some in Gary’s hair too.’ His Dad was a Funeral Director and i was not allowed to have dinner there anymore.
My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.
ME: [whispering]”Yes, 911? Someone’s breaking into my house!”
911: Stay calm. Do you have an address?
ME: “um no. I have on pajamas”
90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.
Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc u hate ventriloquism
HER: yes
BUNNY: [quietly] don’t let her see u cry
There’s trash talk, then there’s this.
ME: Yeah, I’ve heard that movie.
FRIEND: You mean ‘seen’ that movie.
ME: Ha ha. No! I’m on twitter. I haven’t seen a movie in 3 years.
Better names for porcupines:
Needle Beaver
Battlepig
Hurty Squirrel
Flail Monster
Cactus Rat
Capy-scare-uh
Death otter
Revenge Possum
*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer
I wish the entire planet could come together as one and agree to refer to Kanye as Kanye Kardashian so we can bask in his shattered ego.
Interviewer: describe yourself
Me: Me? Personally, I’m a personable person
When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.
I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me
Her: What’s your favorite part about being a stay-at-home mom?
Me: Showering is optional
Her: HAHAHA, be serious.
Me: Ok, no drug tests.
Bro: Dude, is this YOUR Shakira CD???
Me: What? No….it’s my wife’s…..
Hips: No…. It’s his…
Me: Shut up Hips!
Me: “I can’t turn on the shower”
Plumber: “It’s seen you naked so often the excitement’s gone. Try dressing up”
*Hands over shower cap*
I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself
How’s your Saturday going?
I’ll go first: my 10 yo came upstairs from his video game haze to tell me the dog peed on the rug again. We don’t have a dog.
Is it solipsistic in here or is it just me?
Her: Make me a mimosa.
Me: But we’re out of orange juice.
Her: I don’t see the problem.
5-year-old: *walks up behind me when I’m on the computer* What game are you playing?
Me: Pay the bills.
5: Are you winning?
Me: No.
[first date]
“so what do you do?”
*thinking about the jar of coins I plan to use for new shrubs* I’m a hedge fund manager