Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first.
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If I was a mammoth or a ground sloth I would not have gotten stuck in a tar pit it all. when I see a fossil of some creature that got trapped in one I think wow here’s an example of some dead idiot
Nice try, self check out lanes. There’s not even any mirrors.
Me: I wish my life was like a Disney movie
Genie: *snaps fingers*
Me: …what changed?
Genie: your mom was shot in the woods
Angry church people on Good Friday are Fast and Furious
putting some whiskey in my coffee cuz its ireland somewhere
Why human bake at 86 degrees but chicken bake at 425
If practice makes perfect, why in the hell are we all so shit at sleeping as adults!
So inspired right now.
The first time I threatened to “turn this car around!” we’d just left the park and were heading home. The kids cheered. It was a rookie dad move and I still haven’t fully recovered.
[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]
waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews
When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.
My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting
Husband: Should we hit the gym today?
Me: *drawing pumpkin eyes with a Sharpie on my stomach* What?
My multivitamin is the same size as an earplug. Guess how I accidentally know that?
The devil.
“please feel free to ignore this email” way ahead of you buddy
HR: Punching colleagues is wrong
Me: But he drank from my mug
HR: That doesn’t allow you to—
M: I’d just filled it with gin
HR: You know alcohol is not permitt—
M: —ger beer…
HR: *high fiving me* Nice save!
I told my mom about some advice I gave my nephew and she replied “it’s great you did that, better from you than an adult”
Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose
Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.
My wife and I have different beliefs about death. I want to be cremated when I die, and she wants to cremate me now.
I think we should have a suggestion box at work but there’s no way for me to bring it up.
[a door mysteriously slams shut]
me: *spooked* what was that
the ghost haunting my home: just me still haunting lol
me: thank goodness I thought I left a window open
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
I am fluent in three languages…english, sarcasm, and profanity
Why ruin a perfectly good shovel when you can just use your leg?
My landlord is showing the house next door, I’m now blasting music in the backyard and burning trash.
Jigsaw: I want to play a game
Me: *takes his hand* I don’t play games
Jigsaw: [whispers] OMG
Some people weigh themselves naked so they get the number as small as possible, but if you weigh yourself with clothes on you can blame like 20lbs on your socks
the boss has a new hairpiece and i’m trying real hard not to laugh