One day we’re gonna discover that Squarespace has been committing countless mysterious murders, solely to fuel the Murder Podcast Industry, their no.1 source of advertisement
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911: Could you hide in the closet?
Me: yes oh God no, there’s no room!
911: Under the bed?
Me: I can’t fit!!
Son: Coming ready or not
Me: shit
911: shit
People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.
Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.
Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.
It took years for my gf to get me to put down the toilet seat. Though, I really don’t know why I was carrying it around in the first place.
How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?
Some ppl are like, bury me and plant a tree so I live on in nature and I’m like, same but plant potatoes so I can live on in french fries
if i’m bleeding out in an alley & you approach me w/an app that would save me, but i’d have to login using facebook, i’d be fine w/just dyin
Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes
Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something
I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.
That toddler on a leash at the mall might be an unstoppable killing machine. You really don’t know.
Me: I got the vaccine!
MIL: I’m coming for a visit
Me: I don’t want it anymore!
ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts
So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.
Björk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes
i don’t know what just happened, but i was at the animal shelter before work and a toddler walked in and pointed at me and went “i want that one” and his mom just looked at me and said “you can’t have that, that’s a grown man”
My computer is frozen. Unfortunately it looks like moving my mouse around in circles did absolutely nothing to fix the problem.
Cop: Stand on one leg
Me: *does it*
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards
Me: zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcba
Cop: Impressive. Walk this line while holding these ice trays filled with water and don’t spill anything
Me: *starts sweating*
papa cloud: alright little fella, no more diapers
little cloud: *tinkling over desert*
papa: no no no! rainforest, buddy, rainforest!!
[lips on a snake]
WIFE: what are you doing?
ME: getting rid of the poison
WIFE: you’re supposed to suck your own bite
SNAKE: leave him alone
Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.
*first day as a vegan*
“Yes, I’ll have the ribeye medium rare, extra vegan please!”
Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer
Had to get a new washer dryer (17 yrs! Thanks Maytag) and the guys installing it asked “you didn’t make this your wife’s Christmas present right?”
“No”
“Cause the guy at the last house did and that was a bad scene man”
People always act really shocked when I tell them that I don’t like chocolate. Even moreso when I say I don’t like dogs. But I don’t know man, I just don’t think either tastes very good.
i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili
My daughter claimed that her knife skills are better than Chef Ramsay’s. So I tossed her a potato and asked her to peel it and she said, “With a knife?”
Don’t worry Chef Ramsay, your job is safe!
“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”
– gas station nachos
*dad walks up to me stroking his beard* son, where do we keep the dog treats again? Im hun- *beard falls off revealing my dog. he runs away*