If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’
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Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors
It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.
I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.
Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.
My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
I was stopped at a red light when I noticed the car next to me trying to play charades. I didn’t want to play, but I could tell they REALLY wanted me to get it! We all played our best game of charades. Got it before the green light. Turns out my lights weren’t on.
My husband kidnapped me for a romantic weekend away. Now I’m just lying here wondering when I’m getting out of the trunk.
I want my house spotless but kicking my kids out seems wrong
Parental PSA: 6 days left until Halloween.
(Translation: 5 days until your child decides she hates the costume she picked a month ago & wants that a different one. No, not the one in stock- THAT OTHER ONE.)
One time I drove to the gym and just sat in the car and listened to music. My gym is right next to a bakery and the smell of it lured me out and I went in and got a buttered bagel. I sat in my car eating my bagel watching people go in and out of the gym.
Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.
[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier
Being married means never admitting you were the last one to see the item that is now lost.
HILLARY: i’m sick and tired of these baseless accusations
THE MEDIA: aha! you see?! she admits it! not only is she sick, she’s also tired!
I’m at the ‘you fold laundry too loudly’ part of marriage.
“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”
dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health
Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!
My husband spent an hour at Home Depot yesterday and I spent an hour trying to find my husband in Home Depot yesterday.
Arranged my own kidnapping.
Found out after the fact that there’s no actual napping involved.
I’m awake, in a trunk. This is bullshit.
Told my 8yo he had to go outside and play for awhile before he was allowed to play more playstation
He refused because, “That’s bribery, Dad!” 😂
Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.
My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I guess we’re handing out Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop
I’m a dirty bird.
*shits on your windshield*
How did they call Deadpool’s dog ‘Dogpool’ when ‘Deadpoodle’ was right there.
My husband watched me clean the entire house today, and then asked me if I had a relaxing day.
I get why the spouse is the first suspect.
One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.
Feeling a little guilty about looking for a new laptop on my laptop.