Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?
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No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.
Today I noticed there is a newish gym right across the street from my office and thought “hey maybe I would work out between meetings” so I googled it. $230 a month. I laughed and laughed and laughed. Enough that it was probably an ab workout.
How do you get the avocado back out of the toaster?
daredevil: [standing in the rain with his girlfriend] i may be blind, but my echolocation allows me to picture you perfectly
her: oh so like you’ll use the sound of the raindrops to-
daredevil: [just starts screaming into her face]
[spills whole tub of salsa on cat]
Oh dang
[grabs chip]
Hold still
[cat starts running away]
I SAID HOLD STILL
Fatherhood is a privilege, an honour and something I am grateful for every day. Being a dad is not just about telling lame jokes. It’s about threatening homelessness if they’re not laughed at.
*posts “Glitter is my favorite color”*
*sits back to smirk while 347 strangers tell me glitter isn’t a color*
Waxing my car.
God knows how it ever got to be so hairy
INSTRUCTIONS FOR FITTED SHEETS:
1) Know when to hold em.
2) Know when to fold em.
3) Know when to walk away.
4) Know when to run.
My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”
Can i borrow your truck?
Me: no problem just read the dashboard
Me: Honey, I left work early to pick up the kids!
Wife: But we d..
*I arrive into the kitchen with two small goats
Meet Frank and Dolores
I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.
I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.
Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?
Vampire: I asked for stew and this is broth.
Waitress *lets out bloodcurdling scream*
Vampire: Thank you.
[neighbour sees me walking to horse barn with a shotgun] did it break its leg?
[me pretty sure the horse saw me practicing moonwalking] yeah
Talking to my mother-in-law exclusively in Spanish hasn’t really improved my Spanish, but I have gotten very good at charades.
Wife: There is something wrong with you
Me: What a thing to say just before our dog’s first salsa lesson
I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack
Is this one haunted?
“No”
What about that one?
“Ma’am, none of the booze is haunted”
What kind of wine and spirits store is this?!
I’ve been eating healthy, so it’s not the best time to confront me on something trivial.
King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.
“work hard so your future self can live a good life”
pfft, what has he ever done for me?
[guy chasing me with a chainsaw]
lol this idiot thinks im a tree
[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?*Refrigerator hums loudly*
Nobody puts baby in a corndog.
ROBIN: sorry batman I put a huge dent in the batmobile
HARVEY: *from passenger seat* wow i’m on a diet ok
My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.