Like that whole spinach in the teeth thing, I never know if it’s polite to tell a lizard person when they have a little tear in their human suit.
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I’m nobody’s type until they need blood or an organ
[me, being murdered] agree to disagree
Back in my day we didn’t have online dating. We’d write, “for a good time, call…” on public bathroom walls and wait for our phone to ring.
Friend: Duuude it’s fuckin’ Friday ni…
Me: *already closing the lid to my hibernation pod*
No Grandma, a brothel is not a soup kitchen.
Go see American Sniper. Or go to your buddy’s house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching two real estate agents trying to eat a pigeon?
Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
I’m wearing black today so powdered sugar donuts seem like a solid choice.
me: arch your back it’ll give you more power
guy at the next urinal: what
The biggest thing I learned when I got married was how much I made up lyrics to songs…
Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.
Me: Touché.
WIFE: If you embarrass me in public again, I’m leaving you
[Single Ladies comes on the jukebox]
ME: *rising to my feet* Well, we had a good run
The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.
All generalizations are stupid.
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
Boss: If you fall asleep again today, I’ll fire you
Me: ok
Boss: Now go and do the sheep inventory
Me: oh no
Customer: can I get some bacon
Me: sure
Customer: can you make it fatty
Me: *holding back tears* bacon isn’t that hard to make
Twitter is an abusement park.
I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”
ME (undercover, approaching craps table): One crap please, my good man.
My kids made a toy phone for the baby so he can call his baby friends, and I’m like, come on, be real. He’s a baby. He doesn’t have friends.
Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.
Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.
my girlfriend of the past 6 months said the time has come for her to release me into the wild. i have awoken groggy, somewhere in a jungle, and i can hear the sounds of insects, a rushing river, and some very persistent hooting noises off in the distance.
Life coach: don’t sweat the small stuff
Me: you mean like microscopic germs
Life coach: no you should probably worry about those
Me: choking hazards
Life coach: that’s not-
Me: killer bees
Life coach: *drinks from hip flask*
9: What did that message on the TV say
Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen
9: How do they know what size TV we have?
[universe where we use wormholes to deliver food]
*a potato flies thru the wormhole and hits my son Blent in the face*
Me: stay sharp Blent
Sex so good you forget you’re married…to each other.