This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
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I don’t want to brag but I’ve already started my holiday weight gain.
Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.
If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.
wtf is a larm clock?
[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally
[phone rings]
“Mr Hughes?”
“Yeah.”
“We need u to come pick yr son up from school.”
“Ugh. Whats he done now?”
“Nothing. Its nearly midnight.”
Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse
How far did I walk away from the sink when I was brushing my teeth? As always, too far.
The war on Christmas? Yeah, I started it. But in my defense, maybe Santa warns a person before his home invasion and I don’t take him out.
Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?
I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.
rich people are like we have to disguise the refrigerator
When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs…& because I’m gay..& we always take it up a notch.
Sleeping without you is a waste of bed.
‘Keanu Can Canoe, Can You?’ – instructional video in which actor Keanu Reeves teaches people how to use a canoe.
I tried to renew my subscription to a magazine & somehow duplicated the subscription. After finally canceling one, I did so, & now at the same name & the same *address* I simultaneously receive both a copy of the magazine & “we’d love for you to resubscribe” letters every month.
I want whatever ice cream is most popular served at my funeral bc I think it would be funny to see a bunch of adults eating ice cream cones but really sadly
I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian
Have kids so they make you buy stuff to make for their YouTube channel that doesn’t exist.
I’m giving up ice.
[3 AM]
Me: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I’m asking about you, specifically.
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “May cause extreme sexiness”.
Relationship status: just said goodnight to my living room.
reasons why people don’t want to return to offices:
-unpaid travel
-packing lunch
-the bear in the conference room
-dress codes
-the bear stole my lunch
-someone help
-my boss told me to take it up with hr
-it’s eating my sandwich
-code switching
At any given time, I know more about the whereabouts of my Amazon packages than I do any member of my extended family.
Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?
Me: Two.
4-year-old: It was nine.
Teaching her to count was a mistake.
You say pervert with a telescope. I say biological astronomer.
Three ways to tell if you’re dating an Octopus:
1. They give awesome hugs
2. They have no skeleton
3. Every date is at the aquarium