*nose hairs growing out of control
*buys tiny scissors
*jam them in the eyes of whoever I catch staring at my nose hairs
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First pedicure of the season…my nail technician took one look and started stretching
“you’re so quiet” i wish you were too
co-pilot: “ask in a way that won’t panic everyone”
pilot: “ok” [via intercom] “is there a fireman on the plane?”
3 asked if I remembered when she had a cough and I brought her snacks in bed and I asked if she was worried about getting a cough because of the pandemic and she said what pandemic can I just bring her snacks in bed
when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures
a weighted blanket just isn’t cutting it anymore. i need a hydraulic press
me, after scolding my kids: *walking away*
son: ALEXA, play the Imperial March
Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.
waiter: i’m sorry sir, but your card has been declined
me: run it again
waiter: i ran it three times
me: *to my date* omg this is so embarrassing. do you mind taking care of it?
her: no problem! *grabs waiter by the collar and pulls him close* he said run it again
ME [first and last day working at Supercuts]: *styles everyone’s hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter*
I wrote a paper on how plants are evil.
It’s my Photo-Sin-Thesis
Killed another house plant but this time it was personal.
You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
1st wise man: I brought gold for the baby
2nd wise man: [hiding frankincense behind his back] actually that gold is from both of us
“rejection is god’s protection” ok but from what? Happiness?!?
@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?
[reading bedtime stories]
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: spot.
Daughter: what’s her name?
Me: daisy.
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: [sigh] I don’t know, brian.
Wife: what are you reading?
Me: 101 Dalmatians.
Wife: lol [closes door].
Daughter: what’s his na-
If my 5yo’s teacher can’t read the Thank You card he writes, that’s on her.
How do you pronounce “The baby formerly known as X Æ A-12.”?
I’m trying to get this list of reasons I gave up on humanity just right.
[millipede preschool]
head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…
Dear Lord,
Thank you for these noodles I’m about to eat and the good deal I got buying them in bulk at Costco. RA-MEN!
That’s Saturday nights plans ruined
The one nice thing about your friends’ divorces is no one invites you to them.
I opened a new package of Oreos and ate half of it which is bad because now I need to eat the other half and bury the empty package in the garbage, or my family will know that I ate half a package of Oreos in one night.
Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!
i’m planning to eat the rich, but can i sub out fries for a salad?
*whispering to my belly fat*
I just can’t quit you.
[seeing random coworker at the supermarket] oh hey what’s up! i didn’t know you liked groceries
Just saw a dude catcall a woman with “Nice heels, girl” and his friend slapped him and said “Those are knock offs, bro”
Who the hell invented Bull Riding?
“Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me!!!”