A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
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My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.
I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it
Should my wife be taking this long to finish the corn maze she entered on Halloween?
A guy was honking at a car ahead of him to speed up at 6AM so I followed him bc his job must be amazing if he’s that excited to get to work.
I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.
The nurse said take everything off except bra and panties, but all I have under my dress is a tampon string I wish I could pull to parachute right outta here
Sorry can’t. Calling NASA and making alien noises
*spins in circles*
*dies*
*gets stuck in corner*
*dies*
*spins in circle*
*dies*
[Me playing Call of Duty with my son]
Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.
Me: *making a snow angel*
Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor
Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”
H: It’s called a wine stopper.
Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”
My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.
tfw you’re leaving the party but nobody notices
Me: Is it just me…
Everyone: Yes. GOD, YES!
Me: I hadn’t actually finished my question 🙁
Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas
Well well well, if it isn’t the “Mom, can I spend the night at my friend’s house after prom” trick.
[SEXTING]
ME: tell me what you likeHER: I really get off on exhibitionism
ME: OK, cool, weird that museums turn you on but cool
If I had a crystal ball, I’d probably walk differently.
My kids wanted to bake something and now we have to move
– a parenting memoir
giddy up Office Depot
I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.
Who called it a witches’ coven and not a hex trafficking ring?
papa cloud: alright little fella, no more diapers
little cloud: *tinkling over desert*
papa: no no no! rainforest, buddy, rainforest!!
Wife: *falls in volcano*
Me: You ok, honey?
Wife: Ya. Can you toss me a blanket?
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *furiously trying to swallow a mouthful of mattress tag stickers* no
What if instead of startling someone you could stople them. Just like, do something that makes them instantly really relaxed
My teacher always said not to worry about correct spelling, because we have autocorrect.
And for that I am infernally grapefruit.
I installed a pet door over the weekend, and the dog barked at it, and the cat pissed on it, but the raccoons have got the idea.
Me: I’m cutting back on wine!
Future Me: You might want to hold off on that decision until you hear what’s coming .
It’s okay when Pac Man runs all over the place eating pills and claiming ghosts are after him but when I do it I’m “crazy.”