Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
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I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.
Me: There’s a cold spot I think it’s a ghost
Her: You’re standing in front of the open refrigerator
Me: OUR REFRIGERATOR IS HAUNTED?!
The worst thing a woman can ask a man is “Guess what today is.”
I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.
[Interviewing to be a mortician]
Do you have any experience handling dead bodies?-Well I get my sleepy kids ready for school every day.
Guard dog? Service dog? Yeah, yeah…
When earth is invaded by evil aliens that look like pony tail holders, our cat will be a hero.
YOGI: Close your eyes and breathe.
ME: [angrily rolling up my mat] I was under the impression this was a picnic and you were a talking bear
It’s a day for learning unwanted facts.
It’s gonna be interesting to see who the aliens enslave and who they let go free. I for one have always thought aliens to be wonderful and superior in every way.
BUZZ ALDRIN:They say in space no one can hear you scream, but it’s not true and the other astronauts get mad at you for the rest of the trip
Febreeze works just like in the commercials, only instead of being impressed, mom comes home and says “it still smells like pot in here.”
“lassie i don’t see anyone at the bottom of this well. are you sure-” timmy felt the paws on his back. his eyes widened as he understood…
I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.
My coworker left two hours ago. Unfortunately his cologne stuck around for some overtime.
FROM: Harvard
SUBJ: Your PhD application
We are unable to accept you at this time as “Teaching Squirrels Karate” is too cool for us.
I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.
MANAGER: Great news guys, I finally got us a gig
BAND: Thank God! Finally!
MANAGER: *installing RAM* Yeah it’ll make this PC way faster
If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.
My oldest kid, watching Shrek again, but now being old enough to understand more of the jokes…
The sun isn’t even up yet but this seems like a good time to start yelling at the top of my lungs trying to find a girlfriend.
– birds
parents of small children wondering when the early morning wake-ups end, my daughter in college sent an emergency text at 6am because she needs a fly swatter for her dorm, so the answer is never
*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
Not sure why bigots think gay sex is wrong, all, “Sex is for procreation!” I thought Ke$ha was proof that people can be conceived anally.
Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce
Protip: If your spouse says “Thanks for the help” when you didn’t do anything don’t reply “You’re welcome”.
Watched my friend flop face first onto a motel bedspread. I had no idea she was such a risk taker.
[outpost in the Arctic Circle]
“I’m quitting, here’s my 2 week notice”
BOSS: The days last 6 months here
“Sonofa…”
*Quietly opens a bag of chips during a job interview
Found a great app on my phone that I’d forgotten about that shows what you’ll look like as an old person.
It’s called “Camera”.