Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow
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Jurassic Park 7: Nothing goes wrong and everyone just genuinely enjoys the company of the dinosaurs
A smile can turn someone’s day around, especially if you’re hiding in their closet.
All my money goes to the poor…poor me.
That’s incredible! 👌
[job interview]
Panel: We’re looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?
[Driving back from the petting farm]
5: They didn’t have duckies this time, but they had baby pigs!
[remembering the Smuggled Duckiling Incident from months earlier, I slam on brakes]
Me: IS THERE A BABY PIG IN THIS CAR
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Feed a cold.
2) Starve a fever.
3) Make fever watch cold eat.
4) Tell cold he’s a good boy.
5) Look at fever with disdain.
I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.
Her: ooh your whole wall is a mirror, I bet you do all sorts of naughty things *giggling*
Me: [thinking about practicing sweet karate moves against my evil doppelgänger] haha you know it babe
What do you mean they lied? Pfft. You can’t lie on the internet.
Me: Daddy’s going out today. So I’ll see you tomorrow.
Kids: Okay!
———————————
Mummy: I’m going upstairs to pee.Kids: NOOOOOO!!! WHYYYYY?!?! AAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! THE WORLD IS ENDIIIIIING!!!
“found you on “i found you on
instagram” twitter”
[My 5 year old has a little crush on a nearby neighbor girl, and the girl stopped by]
Her: Hi!
Him, making a weird face: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …
Her: …
Him: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …THERE ARE BEES OUT IN MY YARD *runs away*
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
I must be an amazing singer… My daughter is so moved by the music, she’s rocking and crying in the corner.
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.
I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.
Me, waiting for my husband to realize that I was right.
*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes
Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.
I’m having one of those days where I feel like the single soggy onion ring that somehow made it into an order of french fries.
who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.
Billy where is your homework? “im sorry Ms. Klein my dog- *sees dog in the window make a throat cutting motion* -gone cat ate it”
*Asks soulmate*
What is your dream car and why?Minivan, because the sliding door <joining in> MAKES IT EASIER FOR DRIVE-BY BAZOOKA ATTACKS
Me: dang those wings were spicy
WebMD: you have cancer
Me: I just ate buffalo wings I’m pretty sure it’s just heartburn
WebMD: ᵇᵘᶠᶠᵃˡᵒ ᶜᵃⁿᶜᵉʳ
Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.
I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you
I worked at Subway many years ago and one night a lady brought in her own cheese for me to use on her sub
I don’t work for the health department so I did it anyway
A good way to break up with a girl is to leave her a trail of rose petals starting from her front door to North Korea.
My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.