You ever think someone is breaking into your house and then realize oh, it’s just the clothes in the washer I started 5 minutes ago.
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Mornin
*popular kid is struggling in class
*gets a tutor to help
*Kool-Aid
skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up
can’t stop thinking about the time I got shamed by a rock
librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees
me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find
All I want for Valentine’s day is a good night out with my boyfriend
My husband says I’ve got to go out with him! Rude
I got invited to an acquaintance’s baby shower, I thought I bought teeth rings, I bought this woman’s baby a freaking dog toy. 🙃
Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.
Me:I gotta go home. Im bleeding & my computers broken
Boss:looks like u just slammed ur head thru the computer screen
Me:what is this CSI?
Apple has solved laptop theft by making them obsolete by the time thieves get out the door.
My mind is like a sponge.
It spends most of its time in filthy places.
My son just flicked a booger & now it’s hanging from my wife’s forehead. I’d tell her, but our waitress is still reading the specials.
ME [struggling]: skinny jeans, skinny jeans, let me in
SCARED DENIM: don’t come back till you’re thinny, thin, thin
A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.
Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.
a sea turtle lives for 150+ yrs despite threats from the moment she hatches and I will most likely slip in the shower and die from a bonk to the noggin
HONEY I ACCIDENTALLY FILLED THE BABY’S BOTTLE WITH RED BULL
Oh god, is he sick
HE’S GOT ME IN A HEAD LOCK AND IS SAYING I’M A NERD. CALL 911
I’m not saying this dive bar is extra sketchy, I just figured I’d warn you that I was just in a knife fight with a cockroach in the bathroom
Darth Vader: *chops of Luke’s hand* You underestimated what I’d do if you touched the thermostat!
Luke: Wait, you’re my dad?
All the good ones are taken.
All the funny ones are fat.
All the smart ones are ugly.All the ones with all of the above are fictional.
i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar
If you are a jerk and say jerk things, understand that I have imagined punting you into space while you’re eating something you’re allergic to, wearing a color that looks terrible on you.
How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.
Them: you’re broke, you have to move apartments, you work a shitty job, and you’re balding.
Me: Thats cool. Everything will work out in the end.
Them: your child is skipping a nap today.
Me: MY LIFE IS RUINED!
Medium: You want to contact your late husband?
Me: Yes.
Medium: How do you intend to pay for this?
Me: OMG it’s him.
Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.
One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.
*Do you wish to send?
*Are you sure?
*For real?
*Have you been drinking?
*Really?
*What time is it?~How my send button should function
Prom Date: [coming down stairs in dress] How do I look?
Me, super woke cool guy: You look empowered & worthy of equal salary compensation
Once a neighbor kid asked if my dog had any nicknames & I lied & made a bunch up & now whenever I see her she asks how ‘Tree Trunk’ is doing