Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’
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dracula: you gotta stop
me: [after turning another vegan into a vampire] lmao but they get SO mad
Why there can’t be an Indian Breaking Bad.
Who needs Google when you’ve got a brother-in-law who knows it all?
We made fun of recipe bloggers for including stories but now online recipes are actual hell. It used to be a cute story about a trip to Italy but now you have to search through “17 techniques for chopping garlic” and “8 tools you could use for garlic chopping (Amazon links included)” and 12 ads to MAYBE find the recipe.
I saw a silver squirrel running up a tree while walking my dog today, so you know what that means…
Nothing. It means absolutely nothing.
He goes out for a run, and doesn’t even stop to sniff any crotches.
Humans are weird.~Dogs.
You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix
12: Can you help with my math homework?
Me (*looks at the problem*): I don’t remember how to do that
12: If you don’t remember how to do it, and you turned out well, why do I need to do it?
Me:
Donating blood gets complicated when it’s not yours. So many questions.
ME: There’s a dead fly in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: There’s a dead fly in a tiny burning longboat in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: A cricket bard sings his spirit into the next world
WAITER: Yes
ME: My compliments to the chef
My husband is turning 58 tomorrow. Join me wishing him “Jesus, you’re how old?”
So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”
“It’s April Fools Day. I can’t wait to play tricks on Dad ALL day.” – my 5yo. His first trick: Getting him “coffee,” but putting water in his cup instead. He is so excited.
Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.
Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”
Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”
Normally don’t love when patients lie to me but today a patient said I was tall and my 5’8 self believed them
me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
I was laughing at these nerds for wearing their backpack over two shoulders instead of one, and they got so mad they jumped out of the plane
If you get robot arms don’t get the cheap ones [starts clapping for no reason]
[varnishing an old rocker]
keith richards: what the hell man
“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
Demonstrated a somersault for my kid and almost died.
[ first date ]
me: i’d like to see you again
chameleon: oh sorry
me: there you are
Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.
How do you ask a friend if she’s a human-reptile hybrid, but as a compliment? She never sweats and that’s for sure a third eyelid.
[first night in hell]
This isn’t so bad, really. I expected worse.[6 AM, waking up to every neighbor mowing their lawn]
ARE YOU KIDDING ME
*accidentally summons malevolent demon at a séance*
I WILL HAUNT YOUR HOME FOREVER!
[4 days later]
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD CLEAN UP OCCASIONALLY
Me: “Could you show me where the self-help books are?”
Librarian: “No.”
riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go