[hawaii]
me: aloha!
my girlfriend: we need to talk, i think we should break up
me [tears in my eyes]: then i guess this is aloha
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Kid: Dad, what does ironic mean?
Dad: Well son, when 2 people decide to get married on Independence Day…..
Being stuck at home for the last 3 months and waiting for FedEx today makes me understand why dogs go nuts when the mailman shows up.
Bringing home a sharpie
I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.
so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”
Zombie: Ugh. Brains again?
Zombie wife: Well it’s not like you’ll eat anything else, Greg!
Excuse me sir, your feet look very much like mice and I would like to murder them please.
~ my cats
It’s only a restroom if you fall asleep in the stall.
Guys waiting their turn for a haircut are a barbercue.
[inventing mint choc-chip]
me: “people love ice cream right?”
boss: “yes they do”
me: “people love chocolate chips?”
boss: “i hear ya”
me: “know what else people love?”
boss: “hit me”
me: “brushing their teeth”
Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.
Local Thai place no longer suffering fools
Me: Can I pet your dog?
Stranger: sure
M: one more time
S: uh, ok
M: again
S: maybe you should get your own
M: pet
S: we have to go
M: mine
I am yelling
*shakes the internet like a magic 8-ball* What am I mad about today?
Parent’s curfew with each child:
1st child: “be home by 10!”
2nd child: “alright you can stay out until midnight”
3rd child: “as long as I see you within 3-5 business days I honestly don’t care what time you’re home”I’m not mad ur mad
The key to a really good breakup is just to think “What would Meg Ryan do?” Sure, you’ll still be a sad, sniffling, anxious mess, but now you’ll be an adorable, sad, sniffling anxious mess.
Everyone needs to leave Twitter right now.
A pipe burst.
My flight was delayed
-boring
-pathetic
-i never would have let that happen to meI have been waylaid on my voyage
-oh shit
-thats so mysterious what does he mean
-this guy must be forlorn as hell
I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.
Imagine the trouble she has trying to introduce herself in France.
Every Adele song is about lasagna.
PIGEON KID: I need to go bad
PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue
It stops being sexy if you wait 14 hours to reply back.
I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me *trying to suppress laugh as I put on my camo jacket* you can try
Papa don’t preach
I’m in trouble deep
Papa don’t preach
I’ve been losing sleep
But I made up my mind
I’m keeping my baby velociraptor
Ban Viagra, things are hard enough.
“I dunno, maybe you go steal an old lady’s purse, you can hold up a liquor store, & you…just sit there looking mean.”
-Unorganized Crime