Life with teenagers is basically them sniffing out snacks from a mile away yet missing the odour lingering in their bedroom
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My fight or flight response has frequent flyer miles.
I think my wife got us a babysitter because she didn’t think I’d sit on the baby correctly
After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.
Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)
“Hey Siri, what’s a narcissist?”
*Siri turns on front-facing selfie cam*
“Whatever bitch, you’re just jealous”
The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge.
I’m so broke identity thieves sent a fruit basket with a note.
“Sorry about the ID theft. Please tell your creditors to stop calling us.”
do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”
Date palm: a tree that also describes my romantic life.
Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.
Date: describe yourself to me in three words
Me:
Me, at 21: I’m going to try a new hobby this year!
Me, at 28: I’m going to try a new career this year!
Me, at 35: I’m going to try a new spot on the couch this year
I can’t afford a personal trainer so instead I go to the gym and lift incorrectly and wait for 3 different dudes to correct me for free.
*gives up being Catholic for Lent*
God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole
“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People
I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.
Living with downstairs neighbors.. 😅
‘Pizza Hut, can I take your order?’
Me: ‘May I speak with the owl, please?’
‘Who?’
Me: ‘Hahaha, that never gets old! Large pepperoni.’
“Babe I wanna ask you something”
*gets down on one knee*
“When The Little Mermaid became human, how’d she know to use a toilet?”
*ties shoe*
*reading a book to kindergarteners*
jack & jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water…{i look up, shaking my head}…because of course we all know that water is frequently found at the highest point in the village
Surgeon: I can’t find the clot
Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise
there should be a drug that makes you addicted to cleaning the apartment
me: can we go to the steakhouse?
him: stop calling the barn that. you’re making the cows nervous
I have never seen an alcohol company using a drunk person for any advertising, are they ashamed of their customers?
Me: you need to do your homework
9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself
Most divorces could be avoided by buying 2 duvets.
Covid has totally eradicated the handshake. And also the joy I used to get from shaking someone’s hand, apologising that mine is covered in sweat and then reassuring them that it’s not my own sweat
Well this is awkward. Apparently when my wife’s friend invited me over for a play-date I was supposed to bring my kids.