“you okay man?”
listen dude… i know what im doing
*lights a cigarette backwards*
ive seen Guy Code like six times
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‘Ok i’ll bite’ is both my favourite catchphrase and also why my summer body will be a Homer Simpson body
8yo: Daddy, I wrote a short story called Attack of the Killer Kittens.
me: oh wow ok…
8yo: Mommy is the superhero who makes all the kittens be good instead of evil.
me: nice, what about me?
8yo: you get eaten.
I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies
I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.
*Pearly Gates
St. Peter: No way!
Me as angel: It’s the rules!
SP: But the drugs and sweari-
M: ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN!
Snoop: Fo’ Shizzle.
My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions
It should be: “COVID-19 declared a pandemic by WHOM.”
If you ask him what he admires most about a woman and he says brains, you’ve got yourself a zombie.
Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.
i think they should have thrown one avenger in with all the scientists in oppenheimer. just one little tiny scene where oppenheimer, feynmann, and fermi are sitting around like “well, what do you think, Ant Man?”
I used to workout to get laid. Now its to impress whoever will be performing my autopsy.
My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with ‘Star Wars’.
I said: May divorce be with you…
My granddaughter is spending the night. Before she fell asleep she kept saying, “I miss my mom. I want my mom.” I said, “We’ll see her tomorrow. Besides, I’m your mom’s mom.” She said, “Well, I’d like to see your daughter.” 😂😂😂
Ever since CATS come out things have been way off
Elderly woman at bus stop just said my son was “beautiful.” UM STEP OFF PERVERT UR LIKE 40x HIS AGE cc: @LAPD
[beside lady with baby]
Her: Smells like someone went poop poop! Does the baby need a change?
Me: *blushing* Yes ma’am.
[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”
Does anyone know how to save your game on twitter I’ve been playing for 2 years straight my mom is pissed
Husband: It’s nice but we’re looking for something bigger
Me, a realtor: Absolutely
Wife: And not a bounce house
Me: *bouncing more softly* How do you mean
I once taught an 8 am college class. So many grandparents died that semester. I then moved my class to 3 pm. No more deaths. And that, my friends, is how I save lives.
They say you are what you eat.
*opens a big bag of nuts
Guys with ponytails are clearly vampires because there’s no way you can actually see yourself in a mirror & still think that looks good.
60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.
Girl, are you a conspiracy theory?
Because I want to listen to you all day long even though I find it hard to believe a word you say.
I’m going to a dinner tonight for my husband’s work and he said, “Tonight I need you to be charming and funny and do not tweet about this.”
0 for 3 so far.
The mailman told my husband he banged every woman on the block, except for 1, I told him it had to be Carol next door, she’s really not friendly
Wore a push up bra to work today and now I can’t see my keyboard.
Her: There’s a spider on the bathroom floor!
Me: See that thing at the bottom of your leg? That’s a foot. Make it land on the spider.
Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.
does my company policy say i can bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? no. does it say i cannot bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? also no.