I’m not antisocial. I’m anti-idiot.
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Today’s homeschooling Google searches:
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
I got really excited when she talked about a motorboat date, but as it turns out, she just wanted to take a ride on the lake. *sigh*
[donut shop]
me: I’ll take a bear claw
*loud roar from the back*
me: never mind, I’ll take a glaze
My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.
Jaws (1975): A shark is murdered on his vacation.
I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.
*middle of the gang rumble
Me: Time out, TIME OUT! My mom’s calling, everyone be quiet for a second
Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.
I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”
Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale
[buying a wood chipper]
ME: So does blood splatter everywhere when a body goes in?
SALESMAN: What?
ME: What?
Westjet tells you to show up 2 hours early, which usually means you’ll be arriving at the airport 8 hours before your flight leaves.
Everyone: “You don’t watch Game of Thones?! Watch it immediately.”
After every episode: “That was HORRIBLE.”
“Money doesn’t grow on trees” is something rich people say so you won’t find their money trees.
Judge: “How do you plead?”
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: “Hot milky”
[400 pages into a fantasy book] ok there is no way this is real
me (first day as a judge): YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
McFlurry machine: you’re new here aren’t you?
Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.
I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”
Feeling stressed out?
Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever’s bugging you.
I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
I’m not saying white uniforms on kids for sports was invented by Big Laundry but I’m not NOT saying it either.
I’m going to be an “adult” film star. You’ll pay $12 to watch me struggle to pay bills, cry uncontrollably, and lie awake in bed at night.
My bag of chocolate-covered espresso beans is empty.
In unrelated news, my daughter is swinging Tarzan-style from the ceiling lamp.
A Jurassic Park movie where nothing goes wrong just 2 of the employees fall in love & later a baby dino is the ring bearer at their wedding
“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.
“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken
[pulled over]
ME: Ok, don’t let him know you’re an alligator
COP: Sir, step out of the car & walk in a straight line
ME: [exhale] thank God…