I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir
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Her: Is my new concealer working?
Me: Who said that?
Interpretive dance is the best way to answer stupid questions.
Whenever I shut down my computer, it asks, “Are you sure you want to shut down your computer?” Then I wonder if it knows something I don’t.
4-year-old: What happens if I throw up in the red shoe bin by the door?
Me: Why is your question alarmingly specific?
4: No reason.
If I could go back in time, I’d probably stop Bruce Willis from saving us from that asteroid.
[Calls Ex-Girlfriend]
Remember all those hair-ties and Bobby pins you lost? Well, I found all 5,000 while moving.
The Art Institute has many world-famous masterpieces but more importantly it has this little freak
I had to rescue my phyllo pastry ski mask from a volcano yet again. That’s right, my baklava balaclava was back in lava.
Coworker : I just like to go with the flow.
Me : Flow away, I’m busy.
[amazon dropping off my order]
Me: yes! my new recliner arrived!
Cat: yes! my new scratch pad arrived!
Me:
Cat: Tomato Tomahto
A lot of childhood characters weren’t so much beloved as there wasn’t anything else on the tv
Sorry I said your mom’s beef stroganoff was stroganawful.
[This zoom meeting I’m in right now]
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
I understand how batteries feel cause I’m rarely ever included in things either.
Meets girl at bar.
Takes her to Ikea.Quickly learns the difference between one-night stand and one nightstand.
When I was in high school we had to do an assignment where we kept a food diary and I worked at Baskin Robbins so one night for dinner all I wrote down was 14 waffle cones and 1/2 cup hot fudge and my teacher sent me to the counselor.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.
You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.
[Pilot intercom]
Me: “Hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. Not to cause alarm but the pilot has passed out and I lied a lot on my resume.”
Reflexes of a cat, coordination of a drunken cricket
Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.
God *creates dinosaurs* these are perfect
Dinosaur: Are you dino-sure hahaha
God *creates asteroids*
Skipping is exercise…that’s why I’m always skipping the gym.
He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…
I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind
If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.
[at preschool open house hearing nut allergy policy]
*raises hand*
What if I draw a peanut on her napkin?Wife: Please go wait in the car
Sharon, call the vet
Yup.
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend