My husband asked how he could make me happy and I said “hold on, I have a list” and he laughed, but it wasn’t funny because I did have a list.
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Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car
I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long
Me, about to be kicked out of a convention for the American Society of Egyptologists
“As we all know, the pyramids were built by the Pharaoh convincing two people to begin work, and those two people in turn convincing two people each. Then those four people each convinced
Anyone who tells you to get kids to help more around the house has never asked kids to help more around the house.
I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.
[re-enacting the lift scene from Dirty Dancing] “come to me baby, and jump, and oops… You landed in my mouth again! You silly gummy bear.”
The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.
I need the type of burger that you’d hide from your life insurance company
9yo: Can I have McDonald’s for supper?
Me: Let me think about it
9yo: *gives me a hug*
9yo: Did that help?
I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special.
[me adjusting paintball mask] it’s too bad we aren’t on the same team
date: yeah
Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”
Swiper (on Tinder): …
“My mind is telling me nooo… But my body… My body’s telling me yesss…BABY”
Cashier: Sir…would you like fries with that or not?
I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”
Michelangelo: Why are you naked?
Me: How else are you going to sculpt me like you did David?
Michelangelo: Dude, I’m a ninja turtle!
My son, in the restaurant: “Mom! If you don’t stop dancing to Despacito I’m literally going to drink and drive, and I don’t have a license yet.”
Early morning work meeting, boss kept telling us to “lean in”
I leaned in so much, I fell asleep at my desk.
Is it pspspspsps or spspspspsp?
~ asking for my cat
Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive
I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.
The first 8-10 hours after I wake up are the roughest.
[teaching my boyfriend cards]
ME: the blue ones represent logic, the yellow are morality & order, the green use instinct & interdependence, and the red value chaos & impulse
HIM: *frantically flipping through UNO instruction booklet*
Her: how are you
Me: good
Her: you sure?
Me: yup
Her: you’re alright?
Me: yes..
Her: really?
Me:
Her: are y–
Me: people like you go missing
We had a pleasant conversation about how we hate talking to people and then he said that this is a good reason for us to…
Me: … fall in love?
Him: … stop talking to each other.
What is a Sherpa?
“Let me summit up for you.”
Dude is taking me out of town for my birthday this weekend. He won’t tell me where we’re going but he has a shovel and 3 bags of lime in his truck so I’m thinking somewhere outside like maybe hiking.
i feel like nothing is gonna happen to twitter idk i just always felt like this app would be here surviving at the end of the world like a cockroach
Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea
[About to invent coffee]
Guy: I’m gonna squeeze that bean so hard
Friend: You okay Greg?
SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me