i bet when fish see it’s raining they’re like “oh cool a refill”
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they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be
I get shy when my man stares at me for too long because what if he’s realizing I’m actually a lil ug-ly 😭😂
When a celebrity tweets a whiny complaint at an airline, I vigilantly pray for them to get stranded on a runway for 72 hours.
I’ve decided I’m not going to let my teen’s attitude get to me today, and so far I’m doing really well with it.
She’s not awake yet.
Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.
“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”
“By mistake?”
“Not you as well”.
I don’t think ‘safe sex’ sounds like a very good idea. I mean, what if you get locked in and forget the combination
Wife: I think we need a break.
*Titanic crashes into iceberg*Husband: THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?
Wife: Yes.
Welcome to Earth, where we hate each other and put ketchup on everything.
“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.
I’m not telling you how to raise your kids, Phil. I’m just saying..fire is dangerous and babies can’t juggle.
French toast is just bread that bathes in milk like some pampered Egyptian queen.
My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.
The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.
I challenged him to a rap battle.
We’d have serious problems if Peter Jackson ever became president. He’d look at World Wars I and II and see them as an unfinished trilogy.
A werecoyote can only be killed with a silver anvil.
I occasionally drink every single night.
Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.
Have you ever been driving on a highway and afraid to exit the off ramp because it’s a sharp turn and the roads are full of snow so you just keep going until you hit Florida?
Dear movies,
We’ll never be upset to the point of throwing expensive jewelry at the bottom of the ocean. Never.Sincerely,
Women
For Sale: Washing machine. Active Wear cycle never used.
If you would like to get an idea of what an exorcism is like, try putting clothes on a toddler.
When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.
*Dies eating gas station sushi
It’s the weekend, baby! Time to sit in my neighbor’s tree and make bird noises
Just landed my first triple axel tripping over the cat
Me: you should join Twitter.
Them: I don’t even like people.
Me: then you’re gonna love it.
Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.
What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!
I’d hang this in my house.
[ first day working at a pet store ]
customer: can i see that fish bowl?
me: sure let me get his shoes