If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.
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From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin
Just tossed my hair seductively and a chicken nugget fell out.
Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings
Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry
I have no time for stupid people
But they sure do have time for me.
If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.
*hit man puts on silencer*
*shoots gun*Gun: YOUR HAIR SMELLS NICE LIKE MY MOMS
Wth?
*looks at case*
Oh I brought the awkward silencer
nurse: time of death
doctor: 4:19—
[i take one last breath]
doctor: it’s still 4:19 you idiot
i hope jessica biel names her first child ‘batmo”
AM I BEING GASLIT????
Wife: [eyes glinting] Kids are at mums tonight, know what that means?
Me:
W:
M: Cool! You get the popcorn, I’ll break out the ‘Sopranos’ boxset!
*takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache
CW: *hands me 5 Advil*
Woah there brother I’m not about to OD here, 2 will do
[putting away groceries]
I’m really glad I bought these tomatoes to go with [opens fridge and sighs deeply] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 2 days ago and [looks behind those tomatoes with even deeper sigh] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 3 days ago
[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car
True.
Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.
I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.
To the skeptics who don’t believe in precognition, please explain how I’m able to identify and choose the slowest line in the supermarket and gas station EVERY SINGLE TIME
I just gave my cat his lunch and insulin. He is now happily digesting and insulating.
I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you
The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.
“It’s a good friend who, when you want the truth, knows what truth you want.”
All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.
Donkey Kong sommelier
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
goldfish mafia
I think we should hear other voices.
I hope I never meet a genie offering one wish as picking between unlimited doughnuts or going to Sesame Street is gonna be impossible
Some homophobic guys are scared that a dude might hit on ’em.
If a chick wouldn’t hit on you, neither would a dude.
Ugliness is universal.
Woody: lol u guys! u guys. come hear this shit
Buzz:
Woody: say it again
Buzz: [sighs] to infinity and beyond
Mr. Potatohead: lmao “AnD bEyOnD” does he not understand what infinity means