ME: *gets down on one knee*
HER: omg
ME: *gets down on both knees* whoa these muscle relaxers are awesome
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Pandas 🐼🖤
[concert venue]
Manager: Start the fog machine!
Me: *gulps* Fog?
*hundreds of frogs start falling on crowd
Barista: Did you hear Netflix is raising its price $2 a month?
Me: Ridiculous! I won’t pay it!
B: here’s your coffee. $12.32
M: thank you
Scientists report global context shortage. “I guess I’ll have flan,” some scientist said, totally out of context.
If I had two bathrooms I’d tell everyone someone died in one, I ain’t tryna clean two bathrooms
My kid dropped an entire glass of cranberry juice and now he knows how hard it’d be to cover up a murder
I’ve developed a program that checks my Facebook each day and automatically sends “Happy Birthday” posts. I run it on a cloud service that’s so cheap that I’ve loaded it with enough credit for it to run autonomously for ten years. I’m worried it’ll keep going after I die.
Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!
Hate it when I yawn and the soul of the ageless demon nestled within my heart screams shrilly, audible to the town down in the valley, causing villagers to quake in fear and begin preparing another sacrifice.
Inventor of popcorn: Quickly! We have to put out the fire in the corn silo before it gets to the butter silo!
When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.
People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.
Why is Christopher Nolan a genius? Because even if his movie flops it won’t come up when you search “Oppenheimer bomb”.
People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.
[At supermarket]
“Excuse me do you work here?”
WHAT? ME? Work HERE? Hell no. I went to college. I don’t have a job
Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.
Apparently there’s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.
Now I lay me down to rest.
I pray your TC loves you best.
If he does choose another,
I sincerely hope it’s not your mother.
I like to shout, “ohh it burns!” while using a public restroom.
If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.
My special talent is remembering the lyrics to every song I’ve ever heard more than once BUT I wish it was biochemical genetics or juggling
14 Valentine’s Day jokes that laugh in the face of Cupid
Nurse: you’ve been in a coma for three months
Me: oh boy! I can’t wait to see Coldplay in concert
Nurse (standing 6 feet away): there’s something you should know
Me: what?
Nurse: Coldplay sucks
Potatoes are used to make vodka. Also, potatoes are technically vegetables. The point I’m trying to make is, you do a juice cleanse your way, and I’ll do one my way.
America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.
[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house
What did the bra say to the hat? “You go on a head, I’ll give these two a lift.” (I’m back to silly jokes. Probably for the best.)
📂Years
└📁 2022
└📁 Good stuff
└⚠️ This folder is empty
I cleaned off the top of my desk so I’d feel like I accomplished something. Now I just have to clean up the floor where I threw everything.
Appendi
Appendii
Appendiii
Appendiv
Appendv
Appendvi
Appendvii
Appendviii
Appendix