The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.
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“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”
-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.
If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.
I’d be more inclined to grow up if I saw that it worked out for everyone else
if you take a selfie at a dad’s funeral, his hand will rise up out of the casket and give you bunny ears
SPOILER ALERT ~ Fast & Furious 10 is about car chases.
i’m sure it’s fine
Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.
She was like “wrong hole”, so I said “adventurous on the e-harmony profile isn’t knitting quilts Velma”, long story short I’m still single.
Me: Yo! It’s so quiet, what’s everyone doing?
Boss: uh, working
Me: again?
Boss: …
“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians
I carry a knife whenever I’m running late to work because that’s what Counterstrike taught me: “You always run faster with a knife”.
Him: Do you gamble?
Me: I don’t even sneeze without crossing my legs.
*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?
[friend is showing me around his city]
HIM: and that right there is the children’s hospital
ME: *struggles with this for a minute* how the hell are children running a hospital
Once I spilled an ENTIRE cup of coffee in a cab and the driver started freaking out, but miraculously, it all landed in a cup holder, and I soaked it up with a sock. When we arrived, the cab driver got out to see zero spilled coffee in his cab and looked at me like a magician.
you know what’s a waste of time? when you call a medical office and their message starts with, “if this is a life threatening emergency, please hang up and call 911” … if you didn’t learn that by the age of 4 then who are we to interrupt natural selection?
“SOMEBODY had a lot of time on their hands.” What dull people say about creative people.
Unfortunately, Yoda’s proposal came across as more of a statement, possibly even a threat. And so, he lived out his life alone, forever pining for “which got away, the one.”
[first date]
Her: I’m really into literature.
Me: I love crime and punishment.
Her: Yes! Incredible book, right?
Me: … book?
Every time you see a snake’s shedded skin, it means it got bigger. Same with me and the 4 empty Oreo packages you find in my trash.
shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie
[texting]
Me: I’m over IT.
Friend: Over what?
Me: You know…IT.
Friend: IT is a pronoun that could mean anything.
Me: IT as in Information Technology.
Friend: You CAN’T be over that.
[1 week later]
Me, via handwritten letter: Well, I am.
Pot smokers like to say it’s safe because it’s natural. Other safe natural things include sunburn, poison ivy, and being eaten by a bear.
gf: Daddy
me: don’t call me that it’s creepy
gf: Sorry Baby
me: that’s better
Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”
*emerging naked from a ball of lightning*
Me: You there! What year is it?
Tupac: It’s 1996 -are you-
Me: I’m from the future, yes
Tupac: To deliver a message!
Me: No
Tupac:
Me: I’m just going to live here
Tupac:
Me: You should uh… take a cruise or something though
[restaurant]
can I get 8 single slices of pepperoni pizza please?
-how bout just one whole pizza instead?
oh no I can’t eat a whole pizza
For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.