I went on my daughter’s movie field trip with her class so of course I snuck in snacks and she snitched on me to her teacher then had the audacity to ask me to share
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This is a wedding toast I made up you can use if you want:
Some say you aren’t good enough for him. Some say you aren’t good enough for her. I say you’re good enough for each other.
me: [puts a snorkel and flippers on my horse]
water polo ref: still no
I said to my wife, ‘Hey, I really love these new furry condoms.”
‘Bob, that’s a cat.’
Who chose this font
[doctor’s office]
Nurse: Can you step on the scale?
Me: Of course.
Nurse: (waiting)
Me: You mean now? Oh hell no!
ME: Gosh it’s murderously hot today.
CLIMATE: *under breath* Shit they’re onto me.
football players have to wear helmets so they aren’t tempted to kiss the other players between plays
Support your local cemetery
You guys beat up on Catholicism, but any time you need an exorcism, there you are dialing up the rectory.
Top Seven Cereal Brands with Sexual Innuendo:
6. Lucky Charms
5. Cream of Wheat
4. Grape Nuts
3. Trix
2. Honey Smacks
1. Nut ‘n Honey
If you are going to microwave your steak in a cast iron skillet, make sure you season the skillet by running it through the dishwasher at least 3 times
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.
Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!
11 year old: “I was thinking. What if Alexa gets mad and starts ordering parts from Amazon to build herself a body?”
Me: O_O
If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors
From now on whenever I order at a restaurant, I’m going to say “whatever is easiest for you.”
That way it seems like I’m being really nice and I don’t have to make a decision.
Speed 3: Waitress has to keep talking about the day’s specials or the entire restaurant explodes.
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
My ex used to sing “Brown Eyed Girl” to me….
I have blue eyes. This should have been a sign.
wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat
Dang you got a good deal on your tattoo and the squirrel’s so realistic. What? A portrait of your Mom? Dude I wish my Mom was a squirrel.
Apparently my boss wasn’t too happy with my performance during his trust fall.
I trusted him to fall, he hit the floor, I applauded. Not sure what the problem was, tbh.
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
Fantasy:
We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.
Her side is mined.
Same pineapple, same
Sorry, can’t. I took my bra off and threw it across the room an hour ago. There’s no coming back from that.
*sneaks into neighbor’s garage & stuffs confetti into the nozzle of his leaf blower*
I’M CRYINGGG
My husband purchased a world map and then gave me a dart and said, “Throw this and wherever it lands—that’s where I’m taking you when this pandemic ends.”
Turns out, we’re spending two weeks behind the fridge.