Who wants a McKnuckle sandwich?
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My toddler is so unbelievably pumped for her birthday, she talks about it multiple times a day. Unfortunately, it’s still six months away. Please send help.
If I’m so smart, explain to me why I can start the washing machine then five minutes later wonder where that running water sound is coming from.
Comedy booker: how much time can you do?
Me: I have an hour
Comedy booker: there might be children there
Me: I have 7 seconds
It’s actually only “Frankenstein” if it’s created in the Frankenstein region of France. Otherwise, it’s a sparkling monster.
Wife: Don’t you think the yard needs to be mowed?
(from my recliner I check google maps satellite view of our house)
Me: It looks fine to me
My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.
Same girl, same.
dumbledore, completely wasted: I should have know you’d be here professor mcgonagall
some random cat:
Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job
doctor: im afraid we’re going to have to amputate a leg
flamingo: i’ll manage
spider: same
snake: i have a question
The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they’re threatened at gunpoint
No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.
I’m that bored in the house 🥺
#lockdownextension
*on phone*
He: so where is this going, babe?
Me: *dumps pop rocks into mouth* I can’t hear you…reception’s bad!!
[begging for change]
POLICE OFFICER: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
ME: *slamming fists against claw machine* but I’m SO CLOSE
POLICE OFFICER: it’s my turn
ME: truth or dare
PRIEST: just take the communion
FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.
Everything is a pillow. Some things are just better pillows than others
This is a really bad idea. When do we start?
If someone says they’d “Like a word with you,” I can guarantee it’s way more than one word and you’re not going to like any of them.
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
I needed to get a shipment of
almonds to the airport quickly.It was so weird to call Uber and
ask if they could drive me nuts.
serial killer: you’re in for a slow and agonizing death
me: so you’re gonna let me live
How is it that my kids can never find their own shoes but…
Easily find the one ice cream sandwich I hid behind the peas in the freezer.
[on a first date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re really a squirrel…
Her: I had a great time, good night!
Me: *runs in front of her car
If you can’t handle me at my worst just imagine how I feel.
How many towels can your young adult son use when he visits? All of them. Even ones you’ve forgotten you own.
Pooping on the clock is the small-scale revolt of the working class in preparation for the people’s revolution.
Friend: I’m engaged! *flashes ring* He bought me this beautiful teardrop shaped diamond!
Me: ah, the irony
Friend: What?!
Me: What?
LIFE HACK: eat a cookie evry time u hav a good idea. this asociates idea w/ cookie. now evry time u eat a cookie u will think of a good idea
The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.