While Twitter was down yesterday, I managed to finish my book report on War and Peace…. of course it was due in 1978, but that’s not really relevant here.
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#FireSomeonePolitely
Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”
HER: Why is your safe full of pasta?
ME: A penne saved is a penne earned.
Thanks to everyone who said nothing while I walked around with my zipper down all morning.
[taking immortality pills]
wife: but wont we get bored of eternal life?
me: dont worry, we’ll have each other..
*we swallow the pills*
me: i can still see it in your hand
Covid eyebrows: I pet them, comb them and sometimes ask my daughter to braid them…
You don’t need to write “imo”. Nobody is confusing your tweets with Nietzsche.
computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY
[Top of the Eiffel Tower]
Me: I just want you to know “eiffel” in love with you
Them:
Me: get it? “I fell”
Them: *pushes me off* you fell
It’s not that I don’t care about your opinion but everyone has one. They’re everywhere. You can’t walk without tripping on one. They’re falling from the sky now, lurking in dark alleys. One time a strong opinion threw me on its shoulder & carried me off like a Viking marauder.
“are you drunk?”
– everyone’s response when i send a nice text
The worst part of working remotely is the lack of structure. No one staring at me and tapping their watch if I take a long lunch. Unlimited bathroom breaks. Humans are not meant to live this way
Making fun of bands that only play 3 chords when I don’t even know what a chord is.
[In line at the store when my child has a meltdown]
A boomer in line behind me: that child could use some discipline-
Me: -but your generation has already used 𝘌𝘝𝘌𝘙𝘠𝘛𝘏𝘐𝘕𝘎 all up
WAS SHOOTING HIS MOTHER NOT ENOUGH
[park]
STRANGER: Your dog is unusual lookingME: Yeah, he’s interbred
DUCK: [waddles up] I’ll tell you who else is into bread
The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.
I mean, if Marie Antoinette didn’t want her head cut off, maybe there should’ve been actual cake.
~ Why I was kicked off the debate team
Chef: What kind of bread would you like? We have wheat, rye, white…
Me: Black bread.
Chef: We don’t have that.
Me: Racist.
Oh sure, when the Fonz uses a public bathroom as his office, he’s “cool”, but when I do it, I’m a “creep”.
satan: welcome
me: this isnt so ba-
satan: put these on
me: are…are those jeans that didnt totally dry in the dryer
satan: enjoy
me: noooo
Sure, we’ve all been through hard times, but even when I waitressed part time during college and ate ramen noodles every night for dinner I still saved my money for important things like Charmin double ply mega rolls.
My husband just said “Do I look stupid to you?” Is this a trick question because it really feels like a trick question.
Cop: Did you murder all your friends and make a smoothie out of their dead bodies?
Strawberry Shortcake: I’ve been berry naughty!
Palaeontology teaches us dinosaurs were flat and lived underground
My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean
[sitting up to eat my ice cream] I feel my core getting stronger already
I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!
I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex.
Now it’s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.
The collective noun for a group of narcissists should be an ‘egosystem’.