Sure I could remove the price tags off the merchandise in this store but at what cost?
You Might Also Like
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.
we don’t give my son hot dogs not because they’re unhealthy, because he eats them with jelly & the judgement in public is too much
Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance
I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.
You’re more likely to die falling down a flight of stairs than from being attacked by a shark especially if I’m standing behind you.
Drunk on Twitter: Omg what an awesome idea!
Morning after on Twitter: Jesus Christ I’m gonna have to leave here now.
A guy asked my kiddos if they were on Santa’s naughty list or his good list. They both said good, but as soon as we got in the car, 4 was worried and asked “sooooo…how good do you have to be, to be on the good list?”
That seems sus.
Me: Well, would you look at that. This Oreo package isn’t resealable. Guess I better eat them all.
Husband: But the seal is right th….
Me: *talking loudly* NOT RESEALABLE!
If you haven’t woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.
If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.
Me: *rolling up a dollar bill for my coke*
Date: holy shit you can’t do that in here
Me: but I can’t drink it without a straw
If you encounter a bear you should either play dead or be so vibrant that the bear is like “whatever this person seems exhausting.”
I took a girlfriend to a fancy bakery for Valentine’s and she picked out a bunch of things that she then gave to her dad because she said sugary baked goods gave her yeast infections, so really I treated her dad to a really nice Valentine’s Day
The gross is always greener on the outside
I say as I look at the 4yo who just sneezed
[trying to impress my date] order whatever u want
her: i’ll have the lobster
waiter: [noticing i am pointing a gun at him under the table] we uh. we don’t have lobster
Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars
One of the coolest things about superhero films is that they can be any genre.
Science fiction? Guardians of the Galaxy.
Fantasy? Doctor Strange.
Sleep aid? Eternals.
To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I’m not justifying your monthly subscription of $0
Good for you when one door closes & another door opens. For the rest of us that usually means we’re in jail.
[does ten push ups] I am a weapon
Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’
Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.
This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.
[heaven]
ME: so about those footprints…
GOD: footprints?
ME: from when you carried me
GOD: wasn’t me
ME: well then who—
GOD: *shivers* that’s some spooky shit
Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.
How to answer the door:
1. See person has arrived
2. Wait for doorbell
3. Count to five
4. Open and act surprised
“Enjoying your day off?” – what Jewish people say to each other on Christmas.
When you recharge your toothbrush AND change the head on it at the same time……then forget you did it.
It’s cool. I’m pretty sure gums grow back.
me: whatcha guys watching?
10: oh this old timey dinosaur movie
The Land before time. They were watching… The land before time…