Then: He has a woman in each port.
Now: He has a woman on each server.
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“ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER”
[spider removes earbuds]
“yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever”
You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?
I’m like that, but with salad.
When the going gets stupid, the stupid, stupid harder.
The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.
I ran into a friend who asked how distance learning has been going with my kid. I whined about the horrorfest this morning (trying to teach 8th grade common core math.) I gave an example but my friend didn’t understand so I began explaining. Then it hit me I was teaching it AGAIN
Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex
INTERVIEWER: What do you see as your biggest weakness?
ME:
INTERVIEWER:
ME:
MY MOTHER: He’s not good at speaking up for himself
*smoke detector chirps*
me*takes battery out*
*chirp*
me*cuts wires*
*chirp*
me*smashes it with a hammer*
*chirp*
wife:We have more than one
Snoop Dogg; Shake what’cha momma gave you.
Me; Ummm… ok.
<vigorously shakes a frozen lasagna>
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
I’m currently number 43 in a queue on the phone.
Please, your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Ffs
Reasons I wish I was an octopus:
1. I could hold every slice of a pizza.
2. 8 votes at the PTA meeting.
3. Stop sign hugs.
I just battle rapped my 4 year-old and rhymed “take a nap” with “piece of crap” so don’t tell me about your parenting skills.
Top Gun is a Christmas movie.
There is no tree and no Santa, but they do kill a goose
[4 y/o sticking charger into goldfish]
Me: WTF ARE YOU DOING
4 y/o: he died dad
Me: …
4 y/o: …
Me: well hurry up my phone is at 9%
I’ll bet Medusa never got mosquito bites.
Her: If I get fat will you break up with me?
Me: No but you’re now just two more inane questions away from being buried in the garden.
mechanics be like
a perfect interaction just happened: a man at a bar came up to me and my friends and asked what we all did and I said I was a journalist and he said “oh like in spiderman”
Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”
“shaved carrots instead of cheese” lol okay Vogue thanks for the diet advice those totally taste the same
Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.
I hope nobody on my yearbook page ever becomes famous.
I looked into it and it would only cost $20 or $30 to rent a stall at a farmers market and put out a bunch of empty crates and if someone makes eye contact you smile sheepishly and say “Forgot to farm”
I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.
him: I got a new tattoo
me: what is it
him (lifting his shirt): it’s a replica of my thermos from work
me (leaning in to feel it): does it hurt
him: don’t you dare touch the thermos tat
and that how I knew he would make an excellent dad
Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning
My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.