ain’t no way there’s billions of us and nobody got superpowers
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My dream job is a pharmacy cashier & yelling for a price check every time someone checks out anal ointment, condoms, & men buying maxi pads.
Due to personal reasons, I’ll only act surprised by the same information 7 times tops
If you call me daddy during sex you’re getting sent home to eat your vegetables.
My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.
Welp, I just ran my car off the road. I was doing the “We Will Rock You” beat with my hands and forgot I don’t have a self-driving car
Hollywood is done for – you might not believe me, but this is Al.
Me: *taps one-night-stand on forehead* Unfollowed.
One-Night-Stand: It doesn’t work like that…
Me: *taps him on forehead again* Blocked.
[Job Interview]
How would you describe your time management skills?
Me: Can we talk about this later? I’m late for an appointment.
Me [driving to Chipotle on a first date]: There’s this great little burrito place I discovered
Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity
A teenage girl trying to find the right t-shirt, is far more decisive than me in front of 10 different sandwiches
You know IT have given up when the error message reads ‘Something went wrong’.
Can’t afford rent so I started living in the moment.
*pours a shaker of salt into the ocean*
You’re free now
Honey, can we skip that wedding this weekend?
“What? Why?”
It sounds boring and there’s no way that couple makes it..
“It’s OUR wedding!”
LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.
Smile Twitter, Smile.
all ramen noodles come from one impossibly long noodle of disputed origins. no one knows how much is left or what will happen when it’s gone
Me: We need a more colourful couch
My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?
Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”
My oldest kid, watching Shrek again, but now being old enough to understand more of the jokes…
My daughter’s school was closed for fog.
Back in my day, Godzilla could be destroying the city & the principal would be like “2-hour delay”
Stranger: You look just like a friend of mine
Me: She sounds really pretty
Adding urine to your compost is a great way to add nitrogen to the soil AND get a restraining order from the neighbors.
You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you
it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill
Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.
It’s true. Losing one sense enhances others.
For example, you lost your sense of humor but your sense of entitlement is through the roof.
One of my lamps has a light bulb which has outlasted my past 7 relationships.
Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.