Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.
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Mini tater tots cause sometimes a full sized tot is just too much
[at funeral]
FRIEND: I’m sorry for your loss
ME: Thanks, I would have won our fantasy league if my QB didn’t get injured
FRIEND: I meant for your wife
ME: It’s ok, now she’ll never know I lost
Top 5 Zones
5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal
doctor it hurts when i do this *checks bank account*
Agreed to an “interview” by my 5y/o and her first question was, “What do you want for dinner and why is it tater tots?” and I feel like this is a hit job.
So Beyonce had a strict diet prepping for Coachella..no dairy, no carbs, no alcohol, no meat, no fish, and no sugar. I know some women with that same diet prepping for a wedding. You are marrying a guy name Dan who eats chicken pot pie at diners, ya’ll can have some bread.
Deck the halls. Kick the windows. Strike the doors. Pummel the chandeliers. Clog the toilets. You will defeat this house.
Having sex outside isn’t as spontaneous as everyone will have you believe. Carrying the bed out there is time consuming and heavy!
operators are standing by to ignore your call
“Can you validate my parking?”
“You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud.”
*wipes away tears* “Thanks.”
I wore a Not All Who Wander Are Lost t-shirt to church, and they still asked what I was doing in the fellowship pantry during services.
I’m a total go with the flow kinda person as long as the flow is meticulously scheduled well in advance and there are no mid-flow changes whatsoever
My autistic son just referred to my pellet grill as an outside oven.
I’m proud of him and incredibly insulted at the same time.
You could tell Nigeria parents you’re going to a friend’s funeral & they’ll still ask you how many times they’ve come to yours. 😂😂😂
UBER: Sounds better than “Let’s get in this strange man’s car!”
*first day of umpire school*
Teacher: You seem disappointed, is there something wrong?
Me: *wearing fake fangs* no no it’s fine
My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.
He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.
[feels adventurous]
As a kid: *climbs a tree*
As a teen: *dyes hair*
In my 20s: *backpacks thru Europe*
In my 30s: *tries a new TV show*
I’m not saying I’ve gained weight, I’m just saying I don’t think my belt buckle should be facing the ground…
Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…
History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.
Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..
The person you are trying to stalk
Is stalking another person..
Please wait
What’s your standard response when you’re using a public restroom and someone knocks on the door? Because I just knocked on one and the person inside simply KNOCKED BACK. This feels like a game changer.
[a robber breaks into my house]
me, to my dog: sic him, boy, sic him
my dog: [coughs into his paw, wipes it on the robber’s face, and then looks at me for approval]
me: not… [rubbing my temples] not like that tho
With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.
I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky
Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that
We’ve all heard the peanut butter debate, but what about mayo? Smooth or Crunchy?
My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.