Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.
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1886: We invented a car!
1903: We invented a plane!
1969: We went to the moon!
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2015: Taco Emoji!
boss: you’re working very efficiently
me: oh thanks
boss: so I’m giving you more work
me: wait no you’ve misunderstood why I was being efficient
Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?
[me as a passenger on the titanic]
oh ewww are there olives in this salad? YOU be quiet lillian, i swear this trip cannot possibly get worse
guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.
[Me in a horror movie]
*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*
I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.
me: i don’t know what to order
waiter: the chef’s special?
me: I’m sure he is
[Star Trek: The Next Generation)
Picard: Why are they firing at us?
Troi [an empath]: I sense hostility.
I don’t think this bowl of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups on my desk is making me as indispensable to the workplace as I had hoped.
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.
maybe there’s an alternate universe where onions cry when they chop up humans, you don’t know
Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I’m done talking.
Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!
Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.
Someone once told me I can’t say I hate camping if I’ve never been camping but I’ve never been stabbed in the eye and I can say with 100% certainty I would hate it so how’s this any different
Apparently you can’t sell your eggs if you’ve been diagnosed with depression so I guess none of these people want funny kids
Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed
After he passed, we wanted to honor Uncle Jim’s lifelong passion for recycling. Trust me, this is far less disturbing than the coat hooks at Bill’s house, or that thing in Aunt Janet’s nightstand.
You are right, 27 is “just a number” but I’m looking for a man, not a boy.
No offense.
PS: Save my number… just in case I change my mind.
I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.
Fidel Castro was alive?
[the day after I meet a genie]
boss: hey team, you can all leave five minutes early today
me: *loudly* oh wow so weird
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Cuz saying ‘pulled me under’ sounds weird??
I don’t get it. Rock beats scissors but no one says shit about running with them.
9am: protein shake, oatmeal
1pm: small salad, chicken breast
5pm: grilled salmon, spinach
9pm: 4 whole “i don’t give a shit anymore” pizzas
When I die, PLEASE don’t bury me in a fancy suit. That happened to a guy I knew and it turned him into a skeleton.
There’s nearly 50 million kangaroos in Australia and there’s nearly 5 million people in Phoenix.
If the roos got together & decided to invade Phoenix, each person would have to fight 10 kangaroos.
Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):