“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll
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Seismologists are loyal to a fault
When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends
.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back
Day 1: Brad wears no pants
Day 2: Brad wears no pants
Day 3: Brad wears no pants
…
…This is just a bottomless Pitt
Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.
LinkedIn is severely overestimating how often I “congratulate” people.
ME:[just inaugurated as president] Where’s the nuke button
ADVISOR: why
ME:[crumpling photo of my 5th grade bully] I just wanna see it
Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7
[christmas]
BROTHER: [unwraps giant foam hulk hands] Awesome!
ME: [unwraps Mark Ruffalo hands] This sucks.
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it
Me: What are you doing?
4yo: I’m scalloping like a horse.
I hate being an adult … I thought it was just a phase.
(1st day as senator) yeah yeah but MY first priority is to find a mayo related food poisoning victim named cole and pass cole’s law
“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”
-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.
My wife and I come from very different backgrounds. Her family is French and Irish, and mine is suffocating and unstable.
My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.
accidentally called dragon ball Z pokemon and 8 talked to me for 5 hours on why I’m so wrong. Help.
We don’t thank them enough for it, but it was really cool that the Black Eyed Peas realized what they were doing was wrong and stopped.
WHY?!
Facebook friend: What a busy day! Aydyn had a soccer tournament and then we completely remodeled the kitchen, then we did a 20 mile bike ride and finished the day with reading 15 chapters of a book!
Me: *is impressed that I actually finished reading her post*
The people making the worst decisions in Vegas tonight are standing in line at Subway.
My 6yo told me that I couldn’t go past him into the living room unless I told him the secret code which he said was a bathroom word. So I said “a bathroom word” and he didn’t let me in.
So NASA found evidence there’s a parallel universe next to ours and honestly if 2020 gets any worse I’m grabbing my family and we’re bookin a flight outta here. I hear flights are hella cheap right now.
Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?
I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.
*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says why the long face and he says it’s so when I’m eating prairie grasses I can see predators
I will be celebrating Columbus Day by setting sail for India, landing in Spain, and telling everyone who lives there to move out.
Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.
First day of school
Kid 1: I want my mumma *waaah waaah*Kid 2: I wanaa go home *waaaah waaah*
My kid: Teacher do you poop?