Dr Rorschach: *sigh* and this one?
Dr Freud: DID MY MOTHER KNOW YOU WERE TAKING THESE?
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Caesar [dying]: remember me
Soldier: we will name a salad after you
Caesar: ok
Soldier: with stale chunks of bread
Caesar: actually nev-
Soldier: and tiny pieces of fish and cheese
Caesar: wow ok so no one liked me
( spelling bee )
Your word is “passive-aggressive”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Sure, kid.
I’ll hold up the contest just for you.
Car sex – for when you want risky sex AND improve your twister game
me: this could’ve been an email
[gets email]
me: no not like that
I ate the last Hot Pocket and left the empty box in the freezer. I think it’s time my kids learn how that shit feels
I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.
Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.
You would think my neighbors would appreciate me petting their dogs every day.
But nooooo, they’re too worried about how I keep getting into their house.
Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.
Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.
FRIEND: What do you think?
ME: *passing joint* Hell yes!
Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?
We get it – “Bacardi” rhymes with “party,” “bottle” rhymes with “model,” and “sex” rhymes with “text.” You rappers can stop rapping now.
Don’t worry, millennials, every time you spell it “tho,” I say “ugh,” so it ends up being spelled right.
My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.
Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.
[dumping my father-in-law’s ashes into the trash bin]
wife: I should have been the one to do it
me: just tell him to quit smoking in our house
Mad Max: Furry Road
The real power of a man…
Is the size of the smile on his woman’s face sitting next to him.
Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon
The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.
North Korea is officially named the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. That’s like naming a prison The Fun Time Slumber Party Facility.
I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.
[mind reader club]
speaker:
audience:
speaker:
audience: *clapping*
SHE has the mouth of a sailor…
…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.
Finally, I can just walk around every day covered in feathers.
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth…and drink all the vodka inside.
It seems to help
bert: i want a divorce
wife: are u…
bert: don’t
wife: *holding in laughter* are u sherbert?
I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.
So I had to ground him.
He’s doing better currently.
And conducting himself properly …
Had great idea for site for recent law grads called BarelyLegal .com. Turns out name was already taken. And their idea was much better.
Some hipsters were camping next to me and asked for help starting a fire.
So, I chased one around until his corduroys burst into flames.