Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days
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72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.
Me: I lost my virginity to Barry White.
Her: Really? What song?
Me: Song?
I’m thinking of taking my Twitter down, and @all_tweet_calls too. I probably can’t, I’m probably addicted, and I know it’s a running joke that people will say they’re deactivating & then come back.
But the haters are really getting to me.
1/
Hmm I don’t really wanna commit 2 hours to watching a movie
*watches 12 straight hours of a tv show on Netflix*
[Anteater eats some termites]
[looks up to heaven] “YOU DON’T CONTROL ME, GOD! YOU HEAR ME? I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU NAMED ME!”
Them: you smell so good what is that?
Me: bleach
I’m receiving intel from Irish Twitter ™️ that there are Americans saying they don’t put butter on sandwiches. What are you putting on regular ass ham sandwiches?! If I hear mayonnaise I’m notifying Homeland Security I swear to Christ.
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened
Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.
a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off
How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.
*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!
no one:
coworker at a part time job you’ve known for one calendar day: so remember when I told you about that guy I’ve been texting Brian well anyway I hooked up with his roommate just to see what he’d do and lemme just read you this text I got from him just now ok so he goes,
I got a new skirt, can you see my underwear? *cartwheel*
No.
How about now? *handstand*
I’m sorry ma’am, you need to leave the library.
If you cannot hold a poker face don’t bother becoming a parent because if you can’t sell, and I mean truly sell it when you tell your 4 year old that there are no actual tomatoes in tomato sauce, she will never agree to eat pizza again
Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?
Husband: Yes. We had more money.
New neighbor: Hi, I’m Sara.
(recalling the 47 Sarah’s already in my life)
Me: I’m sorry, this isn’t going to work out.
I did NOT need to see this today!!!!
My days of chasing men over. I’m all about chasing food trucks now.
roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew
Me: what kind of birthday cake do you want?
7: I want a big Star Wars cake with blue frosting at the top and green frosting at the bottom, little stars all over, a baby yoda on top and when you cut it open, M&M’s flow out like a waterfall.
Me: I meant chocolate or vanilla.
Sure it’s cold, but I’m not going to break a sweat over it.
Good slumber party questions:
– What’s the furthest underground you’ve ever eaten a burger
– How many necks have you touched
– What’s pesto
A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺
How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?
If you don’t like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you…well, then I should probably keep my underwear on.
*gets neck cracked by Chiropractor*
Hey I didn’t know our necks turned like an Owls
Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.